Culkin was surprised in a Paris cafe recently. He asked for the wi-fi log-in code, only to be told by the waitress (who didn't recognise him) that the password was Macaulay Culkin. He said: "C'est moi" and then went back to whatevering.
Loch Ness monster relocates to London. A Greenwich cable car passenger recorded footage of what looked like the Loch Ness monster swimming in the Thames. There are clearly fins involved but it is difficult to discern much about the dark bulk of the body because of the murkiness of the water.
Sceptics are quick to question how the monster travelled so far but they're obviously forgetting there is an excellent and regular train service between Scotland and London.
New Zealand only "sort of nuclear-free" says Key. The Prime Minister admitted that New Zealand had "a bit" of nuclear stuff tucked away but it's all wrapped up and hidden safely out of sight. "Well, that's a relief!" said a Greens representative.
Khloe Kardashian obsessed with hoop earrings. Yes, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star recently admitted to the obsession on her website and revealed her favourites. Culkin was too busy whatevering so missed the story.
Still in show biz, 35-year-old singer Kerry Katona wants to date an older man. In this staggering revelation she revealed that the only criterion (though, in the news item it was reported as "a criteria") was that he have a job. The age-matched Culkin will be disappointed to learn not only he is too young but that whatevering does not rate as a proper job anyway.
There have been calls in Australia and New Zealand for wexting (texting while walking) to be a punishable offence. A texter we canvassed said he was not even mildly amused and walked straight into a lamppost.
Reliable sources say the lamppost went through a brief period of "comfortable recovery" before being hit by a school kid texting while biking (bexting).
Horse poo examined. Ancient horse poo may reveal important clues about the route taken by Hannibal, a topic that has been a matter of debate for 2000 years, give or take a year or two (closed on public holidays).
"It looks as though we may have cracked it," said Chris Allen, microbiologist at Queen's University, Belfast. Sceptics pointed out that the findings may have involved considerable quantities of Guinness.
Now let's find out how you fared. It may seem disturbing but all of the news stories were actually true. This either means that there's not much happening on our planet or that the public's expectations of the media are pretty low-level. Whatever!
- Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.
