Wyn Drabble: Silent absurdity of PC brigade

Wyn Drabble.

You might have felt that political correctness had got as silly as it could get, that it had reached a plateau and settled. Not so. Last week, thanks to two Sydney schools, PC reached dizzying new heights.

To respect pupils who are sensitive to noise, Elanora Heights Public School banned what the rest of the world regards as an acceptable way of congratulating people and celebrating their success. I talk, of course, of clapping.

Please put your hands together for Elanora Public. No, wait a minute. Don't. You'll need to use one of the three alternative methods deemed acceptable by the school.

I don't know that I'm going to be able to type these without cracking up and becoming a helpless wreck; without turning into a tornado of guffaws incapable of pressing the correct keys.

But here goes. Pupils can "punch the air" (haha), "pull excited faces" (hahaha) or "wriggle about on the spot" (HAHAHA).

I have not made up those options; they have been lifted from the school newsletter.

Without the faintest sign of embarrassment, the newsletter also points out an unexpected positive that has followed the introduction of the new "silent cheers".

Teachers have apparently found them to be a great way to "expend children's energy and reduce fidgeting".

Well, I'm positively wriggling around on my bottom over that particular positive. I would punch the air but I'm trying to type.

According to one pupil, "You get a really sore bottom in our assemblies." You just wait until end-of-year prize-giving, young lady.

And please jiggle your buttocks for another Sydney school story which broke on the same day. It was reported that teachers at Cheltenham Girls' High School were instructed to address pupils using gender-neutral terms only. "Parsnip" springs to mind as gender-neutral.

Presumably the school is changing its name to Cheltenham Androgyny School.

Anyway, I can't really tell you any more about this because, later the same day, the school principal Mr, Ms or Mrs Susan Bridge, denied the story.

Please now wriggle your bottoms if you would like to be reminded of some other famous historical examples of PC gone mad. You would?

A Seattle school renamed Easter eggs "spring spheres" to avoid giving offence to people who did not celebrate Easter.

Five California students were sent home from their high school for refusing to remove their stars and stripes T-shirts on Cinco de Mayo, Mexico's day of independence. It was deemed offensive to wear the flag of one's own country on a day some people were celebrating the holiday of a different country.

A council in the United Kingdom banned the term "brainstorming" as they thought it might give offence to epileptics. They replaced it with "thought showers".

Another UK council renamed the classic British pud, Spotted Dick, as they thought the name might give offence. They renamed the currant-studded classic Spotted Richard.

Now that sure rolls trippingly from the tongue.

Hugging was banned at a Geelong primary school. Suggested acceptable alternatives were high fives or "knuckle handshakes".

Parents of students at a Washington college expressed concern that their non-discrimination policy would prevent them from stopping a transgender from exposing himself to young girls inside a women's locker room. Gets complicated, doesn't it!

Some United States schools have a "holiday tree" every Christmas so that they do not give offence to the hearing-impaired.

No, sorry, I mean the androgynously-disadvantaged. Or is it gluten-intolerant whales?

I'm clearly becoming a little confused by all this so if you wouldn't all mind jiggling your bottoms, pulling excited faces and punching the air, I'll get out of your way now.

- Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.