If you are interested in such strangeness, you should read Eugene Ionesco's play The Bald Prima Donna (La Cancatrice Chauve) which builds an absurd play around the pointless dialogues one is offered in language textbooks.
"The ceiling is above, the floor is below," says a leading character during a moment of enlightenment. You can't argue with that sort of profundity.
From being in Spain over 40 years ago, I can still remember a Spanish phrase I learned out of necessity. After much practice from a phrasebook, I managed to ask for "some water purification tablets, please". I've never used it again in my life but I have never forgotten it either.
It's lodged in the brain along with my times tables and amo, amas, amat. (Amo amas equals amat - I think though, given the quality of my maths, the answer could just as easily be osmosis or photosynthesis; it definitely had something to do with a semi-permeable membrane.)
Other people I know have not been quite so successful with their translation experiences. One swatted up his Indonesian phrasebook before heading there on holiday. Unfortunately, his baggage did not turn up so he went to the counter and uttered the only phrase he could remember which was, "There has been a catastrophe."
My three sons took a brotherly bonding vacation to New Caledonia a few years ago. Despite having a mother who speaks fluent French and a father who can get by in France, their language experiences left a little to be desired.
One of them only knew two phrases in French ("I don't speak French" and "My name is Thomas"). When the waitress spoke to them in French, he claims to have panicked and, by mistake, chose the wrong phrase and told her his name. His brothers fell about the place.
Now it's time for some Engrish. I have made up a menu for you to enjoy. All the individual items on it are real items from real Asian menus, translated into English by real Asians: Browse now; The fragrant spring onion explodes the cow; Mr Oyster; Whatever; Roasted husband; Various and confused pizzas; Husband and wife lung slice; Sensitive meatball.
Finally, because Mrs D spends a lot of money in our local supermarket, she was given a fun gift. Although it was made in China, the instructions were clear so they were probably translated here in New Zealand. It was just a matter of adding water to create "magic snow". What fun!
Also well translated on the pack were these words: "Warning. Adult supervision required at all times. Not suitable for children under the age of 5 years. Not a food, do not eat. If swallowed, induce vomiting. Wash out of eyes with water. Do not put down the sink or drain as product swells with water and may cause blockage."
What a lovely gift!
- Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.
