Wyn Drabble: Hot dog with loads of mustard

Wyn Drabble.

The scene is a simple back lawn but powerful forces have been at work.

It's a battlefield littered with broken branches, acorns, citrus fruit, torn cardboard boxes, an orange rubber toy, a chewed slipper and other assorted detritus.

Hollywood set designers would be hard-pressed to recreate it.

The culprit is, of course, our new dog. It's been a year since our last one died and Mrs D and I decided the time was right for a new one as a shared Christmas present.

What a fabulous gift idea.

On her first day home, she destroyed 50 per cent of this year's watermelon crop.

How do you do that? You grab the main stalk with your teeth, yank, then run with the tentacle branches trailing behind you, little would-be watermelons bouncing along on the lawn.

What fun!

It's even more fun when you start swinging the plant round and round like a propeller so that some of the little fruits are launched into space by centrifugal force.

But she has beautifully soft, silky fur.

You know how dogs eat grass? I think it's something to do with cleansing what are technically known as their "internal workings".

Well, ours obviously has a penchant for Asian flavours; she eats our lemongrass. Yum.

But she has fabulous brown eyes.

She also has a fondness for wooden furniture, chair legs and table legs in particular. Good for the teeth.

If you view the furniture from a distance, you don't really notice the indentations.

But she has attractive colouring.

Dog owners will know only too well that dogs eat anything.

You can spend mega-dollars on the best nutritionally-sound, vet-approved food but your dog will be just as happy with twigs, socks, crawling insects, firewood or spanners.

But she knows how to "sit".

She can dig a hole deep enough to begin a journey to the Earth's core or even right through to Spain.

There doesn't seem to be a point to it, after all, she doesn't speak Spanish. Digging is just fun.

But she can snuggle up against you and lick your knee with moist gratitude.

I have wire netting around the smaller, more vulnerable roses to protect them from rabbits.

No problem for madam dog; dig teeth into the netting, pull the wire away from the bush then proceed as for watermelon (see above).

But she is good at barking and alerting us to potential "threats".

On a stick-throwing visit to the river the other day, she came galloping up with what looked like a stick she had found but it looked far too big for the purpose.

Closer inspection revealed that it was, in fact, the lower half of a cattle beast's leg, the intact hoof offering clear evidence of its origin.

The next day at the beach, her "find" was the back half of a seagull.

She rubbed herself against it to take on the scent. This is a common dog hobby.

But she looks really cute when she rolls over to get her tummy rubbed.

Madam has thrown up on the carpet in an assortment of places. Those patches are now a little paler than the rest of the carpet.

The aim is to get her to vomit everywhere in order to achieve a matching spread of colour.

But she eliminates her other waste outside the house. Most of the time.

I share all this mostly for first-timers considering a canine companion. We've had a number of dogs so know what to expect.

After the new fence is paid for, I know I will have to work until my demise.

So, on balance, is it worth all the destruction and the associated costs?

Yes.

- Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.