Wyn Drabble: Consumerism wiping out sense

I promise they're real! I saw them advertised on the TV last week. The world of consumerism has reached a new height because you can now buy "wipes" which are purpose-made for wiping your TV or computer monitor screen.

Now, at last, you don't have to use an old piece of flannelette or, heaven forbid, one of your other wipes which are made for another purpose (wiping glass, ovens, benches, kitchen appliances, bathroom tiles, footwear, car dashboards, garden tools, formica, chrome, blokes' noses, babies' bottoms, Winston Peters).

Now you can go straight to the new product, safe in the knowledge that you can wipe with confidence, that you are using the correct wiping product, that you are being a first-rate participant in the game of consumerism. You watch! Modern house designers will soon start incorporating a storage cupboard just for wiping products. When there is wiping to be done, it will be like going to the library.

Open the cupboard, run your eye across your wipe selection and choose the correct one for the job!

The following might be a typical TV commercial:

Woman 1: Oh, Marge, you look upset. What's the matter?

Woman 2: I'm at the end of my tether. My computer monitor has grimy sludge on the screen and I lack the correct wipes. Besides, my name isn't Marge.

Woman 1: Don't worry, Betty. Look what I have right here in my handbag (produces small can of Screenwipe).

Woman 2: Oh, Elspeth! You've saved my day. How can I ever thank you?

Woman 1: You could start by not calling me Elspeth. My name is Pam.

Woman 3: I don't appear to have anything significant to contribute to this commercial.

It makes one wonder how people managed in the good old days. It must have been tough trying to wipe your TV without the correct wipe, especially given that the TV hadn't even been invented! We should be thankful we live in a modern age which offers a world of wipes. There is even a real product called The Comfort Wipe, which enables you to use toilet paper without touching it.

It is an arm extension product which ensures that you keep at arm's length from the affected area, as it were. To release the paper after use, you simply depress the little button at the safe end of the device. Hands clean as a whistle! (If you don't believe that this is real, I invite you to watch the commercial on YouTube.) But all this modern convenience is not without its problems. In this age of the busy lifestyle, it would be very easy to grab the wrong wipe for the job.

Woman 3: Oh dear, I've smeared Vaseline-impregnated baby wipes all over my spectacles and everything's gone all foggy.

Marge: Never mind. I'll make you a nice cup of tea and then we can sit down and work out the best investment plan for you.

Woman 3: No, you're in the wrong commercial!

Marge: Oh, silly me!

Of course, living as we do in this age of litigation, most of the potential dangers are made clear to us on the packaging these days. Here are some real examples:

Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish (on a bottle of dog shampoo).

Do not use in shower (on a hair-drier).

Do not use while sleeping (also on a hair-drier).

Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet (in an information booklet).

For external use only (on a hair-curling iron).

Caution - remove infant before folding for storage (on a stroller). Warning - may contain traces of nuts (on a chocolate nut bar).

Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants (on the packaging for a wristwatch).

Marge: If I'm in the correct commercial then that's no wristwatch I see concealed in your underwear.

Man 1: Of course not! It's a hair-curling iron.

We are only at the very vanguard of wipes technology.

In the near future the moist towelette will be a forgotten relic as we shop for personal iPad wipes, anti-static window sill wipes, high-performance modem wipes and triple-action wipes dispenser wipes.

Also pre-colonoscopy wipes with lanolin and rosemary.