Relations are strained over Mrs P's new hobby, writes Kevin Page

Mrs P's decided she's going to spend some time in our garage - presumably with a big heater on - painting furniture. Photo/Getty Images

With long winter nights poking their head around the corner, Mrs P has decided she needs a hobby to keep her occupied.

Naturally, Mrs P has decided against finally sorting out all those old important papers we've had in that big box in the closet for years. I mean, if she did that she'd have nothing to "get around to" would she?

So, she's decided she's going to spend some time in our garage - presumably with a big heater on - painting furniture. She's even been to a course which shows you how to do it.

Basically you buy an old piece of furniture from the op shop, sand it down and paint it a wacky bright colour. Then you sell it at an exorbitant price to a rich person from Auckland and make a fortune.

Anyway, I'm 100 per cent behind her business plan ... basically because she can use the electric spray painter I've had hidden away in the garage for a few weeks while I've been thinking up an excuse for why I bought it. What can I say? I was in Bunnings and it was on special.

So. The other day, fresh from her course, Mrs P decided to have a practice.

So pleased with my thoughtful purchase (phew) was my beloved she insisted we join forces and paint a small chest of drawers she had purchased. Obviously, having done the course, she would be in charge.

First, she said, put some "thinners" into the paint she had also bought so it would thin out and spray properly.

Now, I should explain here to the uninitiated that thinners is a product that will only work with a certain type of paint and I did question the boss several times while mixing the two together because the mix didn't seem appropriate to me.

I didn't exactly get the "well I did the course and you didn't" response but The Look after I'd asked a third time was the one that suggested I should just shut up and do as I'm told (you may be familiar with it). And so I did.

And what do you know, within two minutes the paint and thinners congealed into a thick, gloopy mess which would have needed Popeye's massive forearms to stir.

I asked for the written course instructions. Turns out they were not necessarily to use "thinners" with that particular paint but merely to "thin" the paint out. So that's what I did - with water like most people do - as the Boss sheepishly went off to make me a penalty coffee.

Naturally, because I'm a bloke and I know about these things (actually I read it on the paint can), I knew the paint would need straining before being put into the sprayer, so I called out to Mrs P to bring a pair of nylons when she returned. They are the best thing for the job. Apparently.

So within a few minutes there we were in the garage. Me all set with my nice, runny pre-strained paint and Mrs P watching on horrified as I took the nylons from her, ripped them apart and started to filter the paint.

"What are you doing?" she said with more than a hint of anguish in her voice. "Those are my good winter nylons."

It seems filtering paint is best done using your ordinary, everyday nylons rather than the best thick winter ones your wife has ever owned. And which, I might add, were too thick to filter any of the paint which was by now all over the floor.

We gave up after we'd cleaned up the mess. Mrs P's going to have another go some time but just wants to work it out for herself in her head before she starts.

I must confess the whole episode has caused me some mental anguish too, particularly in so far as why she brought out her best nylons and what she thought I actually wanted them for.

Now she says she doesn't want any help next time and I'm worried she thinks I've turned into some sort of kinky painter.

■ Kevin Page is a teller of tall tales with a firm belief too much serious news gives you frown lines. Feel free to share stories to kevin.page@nzme.co.nz.