Sydney Heremaia has shared his story to help show others the power of love and resilience. Photo / supplied
When Sydney Heremaia's church pastor handed him a list of activities that promised he would be sent to an eternal hell, the young solo dad thought he was "doomed".
"The list included same-sex attraction, pornography, yoga and meditation," the 40-year-old Te Tai Tokerau regional co-ordinator for Rainbow Youth said.
He recalled the slip of paper's ominous warning to his then 20-year-old self: "If you engage in any of these, you are promised a place in hell for eternity."
Heremaia said, "I was desperate to pray the gay away. I was a single dad and my son was only four, it was urgent."
It was this pivotal moment that led the Ōtangarei raised Northlander to enter the world of the now-banned conversion therapy practices in a bid to "fix" himself.
The law - which makes it a criminal offence to attempt to change or suppress a person's sexual orientation or gender identity through the harmful practice - was passed on Tuesday evening.
The milestone is what led Heremaia to share his story publicly and to show those who've endured conversion therapy can overcome its aftermath.
His story, he said, started at the stage all young people go through – exploring their identity.
"I was particularly looking for answers around spirituality and wanting to explore that so I was kind of religious shopping, you could say."
He found a Christian church in the heart of Whangārei.
"I just felt lots of safety and love there, I felt really welcome," Heremaia said.
It was around the time a nationwide discussion on civil unions was taking place as the bill was moving through Parliament.
"It was known in the church that I liked boys and one day I was approached to see if that was something I wanted to heal from. Become the person who God wanted me to be."
Heremaia was put into a church group where he was given scriptures that explicitly stated how homosexuality was not God's design.
"I wasn't forced into anything against my will but looking back the issue was I was in a general place of vulnerability," Heremaia said.
"I didn't feel like this was best practice but I didn't have the power to say anything."
He attended "pray the gay away" seminars, camps, and even trained to be a group facilitator for the ex-gay, conversion therapy programme, Living Waters.
The programme was the brainchild of Sy Rogers, a self-described former homosexual, who was a leader in the ex-gay movement and moved to New Zealand in 1998.
"All this prayer and I still wanted to kiss the boys," Heremaia said.
For two years he tried to do whatever he could to "not spend an eternity in hell".
Heremaia even tried to help homosexual peers change paths so they, too, avoided eternal damnation.
"I felt like I was faking it until I made it – I just never made it."
Heremaia said he kept to himself rather than sought intimacy from any gender.
"I was doing my best with so-called therapy that they said would work but it wasn't and I felt like a double failure."
With his hopes of "healing" dashed, Heremaia made the tough decision to walk away from the church where, despite the conversion therapy, he had formed a lot of close bonds.
A period followed where Heremaia attempted suicide and his family – in a bid to help their loved one – sectioned him to a mental health ward.
Fortunately, a chance spotting of a New Zealand Aids Foundation poster in a library saved his life.
"It was advertising a gay youth camp in Wellington," he said.
With seeds of doubt over the church's messages sowing, he opted in.
But as soon as he was in the van alongside other camp participants he felt he was "doing something really, really bad".
However, Heremaia stayed firm and attended the life-changing three-day camp at a marae organised by Wellington's Tiwhanawhana – a takatāpui (a traditional Māori word meaning "intimate companion of the same sex") group, takatāpui academic Kevin Haunui and Green MP Dr Elizabeth Kerekere.
"I cried for three days and didn't want to leave. I learned of takatāpui tanga and for the first time in my life, I realised being rainbow ain't so bad and that eternity in hell needed a tad more evidence."
And now the groundbreaking bill banning conversion practices can help protect others from the same experience.
"This bill prevents my story being repeated, it prevents unnecessary short and long-term harm and ensures the safety of our communities, particularly our rangatahi ... Mā te mohio kā marama (through knowledge comes understanding)," Heremaia said.
Where to get help:
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youth services: (06) 3555 906
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• Helpline: 1737
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.