Donald Trump.
Somewhere in a cave in deepest Afghanistan: "Good morning fellow Islamic liberators and fighters for global religious freedom.
"I've called you together from the far corners of the globe because for the first time in more than 70 years the world faces the rise of a leader so dangerous to world peace that special measures must be taken.
"He is a man of such stratospheric ego and diminished knowledge of self or other that we are prepared to bury our differences and join forces in order to free the so-called free world. We know that this man is an unwanted - an undesirable.
Political leaders tried to get him banned from Scotland. Scotland does its best to keep people living there - it's cold. It's bleak. They eat sheep intestines. Banning people from going there is largely unnecessary and yet they found this man so objectionable their leaders tried.
"One of our main points of difference from the West has been our revisionist approach to the place of women in society. We know that we've had our differences via the Koran's position on this but this man threatens to make the Taliban look like feminists. He has called women 'slobs, dogs, pigs and disgusting animals'. He has said that women are essentially 'aesthetically pleasing objects' and that to ever get them anywhere near your 'negotiable assets' is always risky.
"This is a Christian fundamentalist leader who has been so radicalised and is so unpredictable that he has taken on prominent religious leaders such as Pope Francis and openly undermined the Christian tenets of faith such as humility, helping the poor and the vulnerable, and empathy - with no subsequent drop in his polling. He appears to be a member of the 'gospel of prosperity' movement which has seen a rise all over the West.
This is a man who, when attending a mainstream Christian church, placed money on the communion plate because he assumes everything in this life is an offertory plate.
"Everything is a deal - everyone has an angle, especially if you're a woman. He has exploited the powerful incentive of using vulnerable people's fear of falling further to make them hate their own, which would explain why he got the backing of the Latino vote even though he called them criminals, rapists and killers. When asked for proof he said: 'Well, someone's doing the raping!'
"I have called you together because our work to bring about the annihilation of Western civilisation is nearing completion. We are asking you to work together to support the radical prosperity gospel fundamentalist known to all as 'The Donald'. Get him in control of the United States. Our work will be done."