Nickie Muir: Letter to main bro John Key

John Key

Dear Mr Key,

Thanks for the good times bro. Can I call you bro? You said you were just an ordinary guy so I'm hoping that's okay.

I'm glad you're not a reptilian alien bent on world domination. My Nan says that if you had to go to the vet to find out, how can we be so sure?

I say the good times, but in the North it's all the same really. We weren't bummed out about that GFC thing. Most of us don't have to worry about sub-prime mortgages because our wages, working in the forests and on the farms have stayed pretty much the same for years - pretty hard to get any kind of mortgage on minimum wages to be honest.

I don't know about a rock-star economy - mostly what we have up here is either a rock or a hard place, but I'm glad it's happening somewhere.

I know you said you were super ordinary so I was wondering what you actually did before politics. I worked out that in the early 90s you were making, with the exchange rate how it was, something like 90K a week.

I don't know too many dudes making that kind of cash even now, well, not doing anything legal anyway. I don't really get what you were doing. Do currency traders actually make anything or is it just a big game of cash marbles where the Government gets out of the way and winner takes all, but only in the good times?

Why didn't the market just regulate Canterbury Finance?

Not sure how that helps you understand how the real economy works, but sounds fun bro. Still, don't know many ordinary dudes that make money without actually producing anything.

Is it true that you were working with guys that raided the kiwi dollar making it drop and then buying it back again once it hit bottom? I'll be voting for you bro that takes some kind of pirate's nerve.

My Nan won't, even though she's voted National her whole life.

She says people need to realise that when those safe National seats become iffy then every man and his dog will suddenly take an interest in the North and things might change around here. She's still a bit mad about selling off the power companies to be honest. I told her, "Nan, he said he was gonna sell them and he did."

"It was the world cup and we were winning!" she said. "Anyone knows to ask their Dad for stuff when the footy is on ... it's the oldest trick in the book."

I told her that's not how it works, but she wasn't listening.

She was muttering about baby royals and elections.

You talk like you're Adam Smith's boy, but have you actually read him bro? I have and the thing is I think you've missed the good bits.

Like; "The authority of riches is greatest in the rudest age where there is considerable inequality." Sounds like now, eh? I used to think "non-productive labour" meant the unemployed.

I'm older now and when I look around I think he just might have been talking about dudes like you.

Sincerely,

A real ordinary bloke.