Nickie Muir: Boundaries being breached

Northern Advocate columnist Nicky Muir. Photo/John Stone.

Boys will be boys - and girls will let them. Much as I loathed this saying as a young woman, there is some truth in it. They're hard-wired so differently that when boys meet conflict their first response is usually: "What's your problem?" Girls on the other hand ask: "What have I done to you?"

This has been the script of the "Roast Buster" debate, which has nothing to do with why these things happen, but rather where blame gets laid.

Boys are one thing, but what about young men? Where do they learn what it means to be "a real man"? Even the name: "Roast Busters" suggests a boys' tree-hut club and is juvenile in the extreme. These are boys. Big boys. But boys nonetheless, because what real man would be attracted to a drunk under-aged girl?

The debate that has raged about the girls' dress and behaviour is relevant to the extent that you believe a drunk 13-year-old makes rational decisions or choices about anything. Make that any 13-year-old.

There is a reason there are no 13-year-old girls in charge of the World Bank or nuclear missile launching. They don't think very far ahead and, despite frequent outbursts of brilliance, often do really dumb random things - their brains are a work in progress - it's just what they do.

If the girls had been picked up in a zebra-patterned onesie clutching a soft toy would the offending be more offensive to some? So what do we tell our young men about the art of seduction when sex has become a right of privilege and a rite of passage, rather than an ultimate expression of trust and love? What happened to the successful dancing through boundaries to some form of mutual understanding and consent at an appropriate age? For this age group, it seems sex happens often by accident as a way of avoiding any kind of dialogue. A novel way of getting round an awkward silence.

Who is telling our young men what society truly expects of them when it comes to the way they treat women, or that the fundamental form manhood manifests itself is in protection and the ability to set and maintain a true and safe course for those in the boat with them? One of the differences that strikes me about my own culture and that of the South Americans is the absence of Tios or "Uncles". They are hardly ever related, but the older Latin men are constantly and much to the embarrassment of their younger Don Juan proteges, telling them where the parameters of propriety lie and not to overstep them. It is layers of frank conversation that seem absent around young men here - or perhaps I just don't get to hear it.

And what do we tell our girls when so much of mainstream culture tells them that status and wealth can (still!) be conferred through men and their worth lies in how they look.

How do we tell them without them losing all innocence and trust that, in the jungle of life, although they may be the apple of our eyes - to others they may not be so special. To some, they may be nothing more than passing lunch and to warn them to dress their hearts and bodies accordingly unless it's proven otherwise.