Mother’s Day: What I wish I had known would change after becoming a mum

Mother of four Myjanne Jensen asks what can we do to better prepare new parents for the change in their relationship once children come along.

Ahead of Mother’s Day tomorrow, reporter Myjanne Jensen explores the complexities that come with becoming a mother.

It’s no secret being a mother can be intensely isolating, especially in a world where women are still largely expected to run the household — with little to no support — and often while holding down a job.

As a māmā to four young girls, I’m all too familiar with the pressure of trying to juggle being a loving mother, provider, wife, daughter, sister, friend — the list goes on.

I can also resonate with how research shows the rate of decline in relationship satisfaction is nearly twice as steep for couples who have children compared with childless couples.

While my husband and I have managed to find a good balance, it’s taken a good 10 years (and many low points) to get to a place where we’re finally functioning like a well-oiled machine.

Even former US First Lady Michelle Obama said she couldn’t escape the resentment she felt towards her husband, former US President Barack Obama, who began to turn on each other during the first years of their girls’ lives.

“People think I’m being catty for saying this: it’s like, there were 10 years where I couldn’t stand my husband. And guess when it happened? When those kids were little.”

Myjanne Jensen and her husband, Jade Leatherby-Tipene, with their four girls pictured in 2020.

Looking around me at all the couples I know who have split or divorced since having children, I can see an all-too-familiar pattern of burn-out, financial strain and lack of connection to each other and themselves.

Relationships that could possibly have been salvaged had someone prepared them for what to expect during those first few years as new parents.

So what can we do to better prepare ourselves, particularly as women, to ensure we don’t burn out and lose ourselves in all of the chaos?

Registered clinical psychologist, science communicator and 2021 Wellingtonian of the Year (Education) Jacqui Maguire said there were several things to consider to help ourselves, and others, as new parents.

“Supporting parents during the early years involves creating a supportive network, both within the relationship and externally,” Maguire said.

“Encouraging open communication, sharing responsibilities, and prioritising self-care for both partners is important, and providing access to resources such as parenting classes, counselling services, and social support groups can also be invaluable.

“If you are close family or friends reading this, offer to babysit, even if it’s just for half an hour, so the parents can go for a walk or a coffee.

“If we can create a village around new parents, we provide them with the best opportunity to stay connected to each other, and to have child-free moments where they can remember who they were before they became parents.”

Registered clinical psychologist, science communicator and 2021 Wellingtonian of the Year (Education) Jacqui Maguire. Photo / Supplied

Maguire said while having a baby indeed brought great joy and fulfilment, it could also cause significant adjustments to a couple’s relationship dynamic.

She said this was due to the focus shifting from primarily being partners to becoming parents, which could alter communication patterns, intimacy, and division of responsibilities.

For women who identified strongly with their career and felt a sense of purpose from their achievements, it wasn’t uncommon to experience a sense of loss and anxiety.

“I think for many mothers, it is very normal to experience isolation and overwhelm, with impacting factors in a new mother’s mental health including hormonal fluctuations, body image concerns, and adjusting to the new role of motherhood,” Maguire said.

“Balancing childcare duties with personal and professional aspirations can also be challenging.

“It’s therefore important to try to remove any judgment and pre-expectation of what a ‘perfect family life’ will look like because with anything new, we need time to adjust and find what works for us.”

Maguire said reducing time spent on social media was also important to help protect new parents from comparison to the “carefully curated content” that existed online.

Maintaining individual interests and connections outside of the relationship, nurturing friendships, and engaging in self-care practices were key, as was communicating openly with your partner about your needs and seeking support, where necessary, to help prevent feelings of isolation and loss of identity.