Kevin Page: How to eat yourself gorgeous

Kevin Page laments healthy eating for a "more attractive" you.

While scanning an interesting article on the Net recently I discovered it is possible to eat yourself attractive.

Apparently, food like whole grains, seeds and garlic are the solution for thinning hair, dry skin and acne. If you are partial to a vodka you can kiss goodbye to those bags under your eyes. Oops, sorry. Misread that. It says "avocado".

Anyway, the thrust of the article is that eating foods rich in various nutrients, vitamins A to Z and stuff with long confusing names will have you looking like Brad Pitt before you know it.

Now, I wouldn't say I'm manic about what I eat. Give me a choice between a burger or some oily fish (helps reduce wrinkles) and it's possible I'll argue one more addition to the crow's feet isn't really going to make much of a difference.

I'd been like that for a long time until Mrs P got hold of me.

Not only is she Briscoe's favourite customer but she's passionate about my health and having me around for a while.

So now I lean more towards a healthy eating regime.

I won't bore you with exactly what happened but it would be fair to say she stepped in with a few important dietary recommendations and I turned into Brad Pitt (honest) before it was too late.

In fact, the timing couldn't have been better.

I'd just completed a 48-year study into the effects of food on the ageing process and was feeling it big time when Mrs P went to work.

I should point out I didn't get any government funding for my study though I did use $4.50 from my tax refund to buy a late-night cheeseburger.

In my defence we had just won the Rugby World Cup in 2011 and I was also investigating the effects vast amounts of alcohol would have on my belly at the time.

But I digress.

A bit of sensible eating, some exercise and the support of a good woman set me on the road to attractiveness. It has been worth it but most definitely was not all plain sailing.
Take, for instance, the time I popped into my local service station with Mrs P in tow.

The friendly attendant struck up a conversation with my good lady which led to one of those moments when I just wished the woman had been as silent and unhelpful as many of her counterparts in Auckland.

During the conversation she blurted out to Mrs P that I was a regular customer and always popping in for chicken wings, a particular vice of mine at the time.

It seemed inappropriate to be indignant or go on about client confidentiality (at the petrol station) so I just headed for the naughty corner as Mrs P explained to her new friend that I was now on a healthy eating regime and it was the last time I'd be keeping the chicken wing suppliers in coin.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I find myself driving home in a daze. Inexplicably the car drifts into the service station and before I know it I'm standing at the head of the queue, in front of the counter, with a nice warm dish of chicken wings safely in my grasp.

Then, to my utter embarrassment, the same attendant that let the cat out of the bag to Mrs P weeks earlier, sidles up.

"Are you supposed to be having those?" she says disapprovingly as an amused line of shoppers stare on.

"Er, no," I stammer.

"Well you'd best put them back then hadn't you?" she suggests, while folding her arms and watching me in case I grab a chocolate bar instead.

Obviously I don't. I'm too scared.

I hightail it for home where healthy living awaits. I am proud to say I've kicked my chicken wing habit.

These days you are more likely to find me eating and drinking healthily and planning to be round for a congratulatory telegram from the reigning monarch when I reach 100.

When I'm interviewed in the local paper I'll say the key to looking attractive and healthy living is a vodka a day.

Oops! I mean avocado.