Dear God, please help me. I just bought tickets to see my lifelong musical hero perform live. I knew it was gonna happen someday. He knows I'd love to see him. My dearest love, to me you are a work of art. How can anyone possibly know how I feel? Now my heart is full.
This might all seem a little overblown to many, and perhaps even lacking in sense. But to anyone who has ever had even half a heart beating in time to the doleful melodies of ageing British alternative pop drama queen Morrissey, my opening paragraph will instead be recognised for what it is - a list of some of the greatest song titles from one of the most enduring songwriters of a generation - and what a dark and melancholic generation it was.
Ever since teenage hormones kicked in and I discovered black hair dye and Doc Martins, Morrissey and his former band The Smiths have held a permanent place in my affections.
Able to produce broody ballads with the same easy proliferation that his early fan base of angry adolescents produced facial acne, Morrissey has a way with lyrics that has seen him stay wedged firmly in the playlist long after his target market have grown up and got over themselves.
It is a knack that has seen loyal listeners such as myself continue to add his latest offerings to their collections even though, secretly, I just want to see the guy happy.