Editorial: Honesty simply a naive dream

It's all happening in the Beehive playpen.

Scene: A Beehive in Wellington.

Time: Quite recently.

National Party Treasurer: So, there it is, the full 2012 Budget, a responsible document with a plan for future growth. To sum it up in a nutshell, we will sell state assets, ping smokers and bach owners and deduct tax from the earnings of 14-year-old paper boys.

National Party members: Hear hear. Jolly good show. Sound economics. Rhubarb rhubarb. Hurrah.

Labour Party spokesman: This budget is a disgrace and will take us nowhere. It will continue to widen the gap between rich and poor. It will cause widespread hardship, poverty and outbreaks of boils. Our policy would have been to buy back state assets, reduce the cost of tobacco, offer free insulation for all baches and buy new bikes for 14-year-old paper boys. We would have offered a budget which stimulated immediate growth.

Labour Party members: Hear hear. Jolly good show. Sound economics. Rhubarb rhubarb. Hurrah.

National Party member (rising to his feet and pointing): You're just a bunch of big poopyheads!

Labour Finance spokesman: Are not too!

National Party member (poking out tongue): Are so!

Winston Peters: Does the House feel that this suit makes me look big at the hips?

Now, please allow me to transport you to a future Budget. Let's say the tables have turned and Labour are now in power: they are presenting the 2016 budget.

Labour Treasurer: For the good of the country and in keeping with the tenets of the Labour Party, our plan for future growth involves selling off state assets (a good little earner, that one!), increasing taxes on tobacco, baches and 14-year-old paper boys.

Labour members: Hear hear. Sound planning. Hurrah!

National spokesman: This Budget is a disgrace and will cause widespread hardship, poverty and skin rashes. A National Government would buy back state assets and abolish taxes. Good New Zealanders will now leave our shores and join the growing numbers emigrating to Chad and Swaziland.

National members: Hear hear. Rhubarb rhubarb. Emigrating. Skin rashes.

Labour spokesman: National sux!

National spokesman: Does not too!

Winston Peters: Would charcoal grey look better than navy blue?

You may accuse me of exaggeration here but I still believe it's pretty close to the mark. I can't help believing that two young children playing with toy trucks in a sandpit could have a conversation just as intelligent.

Child 1: You've squashed my road.

Child 2 (hitting Child 1 on head with a plastic spade): Have not.

Child 1: I'm telling on you (throws sand in face of Child 2).

Child 2: Waaaaah!

Just for fun, let us look at the hypothetical situation where, unknown to each other, Labour and National both come up with EXACTLY THE SAME BUDGET. How would the opposition respond when they hear the government deliver a Budget that is the same as their own. Let's listen.

National Treasurer: ... so that is this year's Budget.

National members: Hurrah! Good policy. Bright future. Blah blah blah.

Labour spokesman: Shame on National! This Budget fails. It is a disgrace and is obviously designed to line the pockets of the wealthy, plunge the poor deeper into the abyss of poverty and cause widespread outbreaks of varicose veins.

Yes, the whole game of politics is so childish. I know it's a naive wish and it would never happen but all I would like to see is some honesty. I want an Opposition spokesman to stand up and say he agrees with a Government policy, admits his party would have done the same.

It wouldn't have to be total agreement - just enough to make the character believable as a human being. Something like this, perhaps:

Opposition spokesman: I believe the Government has introduced a sound and sensible Budget. While there are a couple of little points on which our party differs, on the whole it is a responsible Budget and we look forward to enjoying the benefits that should be enjoyed by all New Zealanders. What a joy that would be to hear! Even just once.

Winston Peters: Or would a nice emerald green look better with my skin tonings?