Editorial: All set to translate, not maim

Oh, the Japanese have never let up in their pursuit of risible car names and they must spend so much time and effort on it. Their chief sources appear to be online dictionaries and translation services.

Online translation services are an excellent source if you want to sound silly because computers CANNOT translate. They have no brain so they cannot do idiom, figurative language and the like.

The dictionaries are good because they offer different meanings and it's easy to pick an entirely unsuitable one. Easy also to pick one with inappropriate connotations.

Ploughing through all that when English is not your first language is difficult, so I'm here to help the Japanese and save them a lot of money. Yes, I'll make up their silly names for them for a modest fee.

I know they like words with suggestions of movement but I can add words with other interesting connotations. I'll show you some samples I have created.

For parking convenience and general economy around town, it would be hard to beat the Bihatsu Hurry Up Quickly SV. What does SV stand for, you ask? Straightforward Vehicle. It's the base model, you see.

If you want electric windows and the like, you'd need to pay a little more for the Hurry Up Quickly BO (Better One).

For something a little larger and sturdier, consider the Tryota Bulldozer Armchair Smoothroad. Or, for the ultimate in manoeuvrability, its smaller cousin, the Tryota Nancyboy Nice.

A lot of luxury and excellent driver and passenger vision is to be had with the new Bonda Scenery Extensive Vista Splendour.

And I have plenty of other ideas up my sleeve: the Bonda Throne, Missan Flurry of Activity, Ipuzu Reliable Companion Going Forward, Tryota Fanny Supreme, Mitsusquishy Big 'n' Throaty or the smaller Mitsusquishy Jumpy, Mazba Princely Status, Subadu Pretty Flash and the diminutive Bihatsu Pogo Gogo S.

I'm also willing to open up my translation service to all of Asia for menu writing. Here are a few readers have brought to my attention (they swear they're genuine):

• 
  Butter meal package.
• 
  The Dutch cowboys dig up spell the roast turkey (black pepper juice).
• 
  Halogen intestines salad.
• 
  The milk-fish platoon spells roasts the turkey (wild fungus juice).
• 
  The signboard is fried to emperors small.

So, what could I "bring to the table" as far as menu writing goes? Here are several I prepared earlier:

• 
  Mound of various with a chop on it.
• 
  The Eyeballs of Hope in slime (gluten-free).
• 
  Halogen cowboys fry the big one (some assembly required).

Come to think of it, my services are needed beyond just car names and menu writing. After reading this notice from a Tokyo hotel, I've decided to extend my offer.

"About the dumping from a balcony. Dear sirs I am pleased more and more when it is put to a bottom, the people at time when it is your good health.

"I have you co-operate and always thank you for understanding for our management/administration.

"When there was the person who threw the cigarette end of the cigarette a balcony informed it in of the loft. I charge a person with an injury and please never stop a fire or a burn very much because it is danger.

"The damage is given. Moderation asks for a certain action so that residents can live a comfortable life. Thank you for your co-operation."

I'm sure you'll agree that this sign is simply too wordy.

My version is concise and, while clarity is my main concern, there will be financial benefits too because the signwriting charge will be reduced. Mine would read:

"Look. Butt ends. Possibility to bludgeon the caterpillar incendiary. Kindly be omitting. Thank you."

Anyone interested in using my services should approach me via this newspaper then fold tab A (fig 1) until it makes the meeting of another one in a pleasing manner (contents may settle in transit).