Clinical psychologist Marie de Hennezel visits Whangārei to talk death and ageing

Marie de Hennezel (centre) with Go With Grace founder Katy Mandeno (left) and North Haven Hospice chief executive Helen Blaxland.

World-renowned French clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Marie de Hennezel is in Whangārei to share her expertise on death and ageing well. She sat down with the Advocate to talk about why dying isn’t taboo and the key to getting older.

Western societies are too scared to talk about death, de Hennezel says. They are in denial.

“Death is there to make us realise that life is gorgeous.”

de Hennezel’s insight comes from decades of experience working with the dying. She headed the first palliative care unit created in France in the 1980s, and has been entrusted with the mission of raising palliative-care awareness by the French Ministry of Health. She authored ministerial reports about caring for those with terminal illnesses as well as several books.

de Hennezel learned that people harbour four fears when it comes to the end: suffering, a prolonged death, being alone, and hurting loved ones.

And that was normal, she said.

“The fear is to die before you have lived fully. That’s our real fear.”

de Hennezel said she has seen people live six months to a year more than medical experts predicted because there was something important left - their chid’s wedding or the birth of a grandchild perhaps.

“It depends on the strength of the spirit.”

Our unease shouldn’t stop us talking or thinking about death, de Hennezel said. It is a good thing to front up to the inevitable.

She acknowledged it wasn’t easy but that is why death shouldn’t be shied away from at a young age.

Adults, de Hennezel said, needed to be open with children about the subject. Kids should be involved if they want to be.

Attending a funeral or wake was part of them learning that death is part of life and that we are not alone, she said.

Overcoming fears about death was crucial, especially for those caring for a dying loved one.

de Hennezel said people in those situations often don’t know what to say or do.

“I often say, just go there take their hand and let your heart speak.“

And be present. de Hennezel said the challenge with this was to tame your fears about their fate. However, the key was to remember they are living their last precious moments.

But what if the dying person wants to act like nothing is happening, to live life as usual?

Well, you need to find a moment to have a conversation, de Hennezel said. Tell your loved one there are things you need to say.

People need to share what is pressing to them so they can live normally, she said.

That being said, at the end of the day it is about the dying person’s wish.

The conversation of death is nothing to shy away from, says Marie de Hennezel. Photo / iStock

de Hennezel emphasised that before death, comes life and the way in which we grow old is important.

“A lot of people having a very bad image of getting old as if it was a disaster, as if you were losing everything. It’s another fear.”

She said when people retire they are often faced with a crisis. They leave their job and enter another life.

But it is a time when people can discover who they really are.

“The real key is to be open to new things because you discover a lot of things ... and you can learn,” de Hennezel said.

She described ageing as a paradox.

“Your body declines slowly but your heart can be younger and younger, and your mind is not meant to decline.

“We have a responsibility to take care of our body, to take care of our mind, to be open, to give energy to what gives you joy.”

Also finding peace with your past was crucial.

“If you carry heavy baggage full of regret, remorse you have to clear all of this to enjoy life.”

de Hennezel’s connection to Whangārei happened when a family member living in Northland introduced her to Go With Grace founder Katy Mandeno. Go With Grace is a resource to help guide and support New Zealanders through their experiences with death and dying.

Marie de Hennezel speaking to the Whangārei audience at North Haven Hospice on February 13.

Mandeno said they found an immediate connection in their desire to inform and support people living through significant loss.

She and de Hennezel have teamed up to co-host two free events in Whangārei to help others with the topic of death. The first was to a packed house at North Haven Hospice on February 13, where the duo discussed how the dying teach us to live.

The second is coming up on February 21 at 5.30pm and looks at preparing for end-of-life and why it matters. It will be held in the Northland Rugby Club Rooms on Riverside Dr. To book a seat visit the Go With Grace website.

Karina Cooper is the news director and covers breaking and general news for the Advocate. She also has a special interest in investigating what is behind the headlines and getting to heart of a story.