Movie Review: The Expendables

The Expendables
(R16), 120 minutes, 3/5
Expectation is likely to have weighed heavily on Sylvester Stallone's shoulders when he was making The Expendables.
Of course, it's the action superstar's own fault - Stallone openly touted The Expendables as a return to the now long-neglected style of "take no prisoners" 80s action films, the sort of films he made his name in.
Expectations were beefed up when Stallone assembled a dream cast. While reserving the lead role of Barney Ross for himself, Sly also convinced action alumni Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren and Bruce Willis to sign on, alongside former WWE wrestler Steve Austin, and UFC fighter Randy Couture.
Oh, and some bloke called Schwarzenegger makes a cameo appearance, too. Naturally, most of Ross' crew have hilarious tough-guy names: Couture is "Toll Road" and Terry Crews is "Hale Caesar".
The plot is also a Parmesan-stuffed throwback to the days when stonewash jeans were considered cool - Ross' team of assassins (the "expendables") are hired to assassinate the merciless dictator of a small South American island.
That's about it - oh, and there's a seaplane - nothing says "80s action film" like a seaplane.
From there, it's all fairly predictable, Ross and his muscled-up mates invade the island, bullets fly everywhere, almost everything explodes, and Stallone takes mangling vowels to a new level, even for him.
And, yes, The Expendables probably is a bit bloodier than your average action film, but it doesn't quite succeed in bringing back the visceral quality of some of its 80s predecessors - Stallone's most recent Rambo sequel did a far better job of that. Sadly, too, the much touted first ever on-screen appearance of Stallone and Schwarzenegger together falls a bit flat.
Sure, it's good for a laugh, and there's plenty of self-referential puns going on, but it's all a bit meaningless and feels like it's been tacked on purely as an additional selling point.
The Expendables tick almost all the boxes for an action film, without quite succeeding in its lofty aim of succeeding as an 80s-style bullets and blood spectacular.
For all that, it's an entertaining watch, and perhaps Jean Claude van Damme should sit by his phone, just in case Stallone decides to make a sequel.