By MICHELE HEWITSON
Last week in TV One's Expose slot was a thing called My Breasts Are Too Big.
Life is too short to watch anything with that sort of title, and you may just feel that your brain is too valuable to risk on tonight's offering: Who Killed Marilyn Monroe? (TV One, 9.40pm).
I could have saved myself an hour of watching a preview tape of this tittle tattle and still come up with the answer.
Before the usual offerings of conspiracy theories and appallingly acted "reconstructions" even began, I wrote on my notepad: Marilyn Monroe killed Marilyn Monroe. How hasty can you be?
Because - and stop me if you've heard all of this before - there are a number of theories about who killed Marilyn Monroe. They have glorious names and go like this.
Murder Theory No 1: The Kennedy Hot Shot. This involves Bobby Kennedy and "a lethal cocktail" of drugs given to the actress by way of injection.
Whatever you happen to think of this "theory" - and it is a popular one with nutjobs - surely the emphasis on "lethal" is redundant. She died, so it's fairly safe to assume that the theory didn't involve a pina colada cocktail.
Murder Theory No 2: The Mafia Suppository. Yep, the Mafia is well known for killing people by way of sticking suppositories containing sleeping pills up people's bums. Very effective that. It's a wonder you don't see it more often on telly shows involving serial killers.
Murder Theory No 3: The Enema and the Housekeeper. This one hinges on some tapes, supposedly made by Monroe for her shrink in which she "speaks candidly" about enjoying enemas, and about how her housekeeper would administer said enemas. About which you can only think: hope that housekeeper got paid well.
Murder Theory No 4: The Enema and the CIA. Which is more of the same, only wackier.
By which time I was beginning to wonder whether the whole thing was a sick joke. But no. It was delivered with the utmost seriousness, and made with the utmost cynicism.
The whole reason for making this so-called doco was because a former deputy district attorney called John Miner claimed to have heard the tapes Monroe made for her doctor. In these tapes she was said to be optimistic, therefore she could not have committed suicide, therefore she must have been murdered.
There was never any mention of what had happened to the tapes, no attempt to find them and, only after tedious attempts to instil this nonsense with some sense of building mystery, were we told that these tapes, if they existed, were "controversial".
Miner says he heard them in 1962. It wasn't until 1982 that he wrote down what he remembered, and not until 1995 (when facing bankruptcy) that he made an effort to publish.
So it's all hokum, and ancient hokum at that. As is this rehash which was made last year.
Next on Expose? Oh, probably some riveting stuff about how Marilyn Monroe's breasts were stolen by aliens.
Theories hokum and ancient, too
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