KEY POINTS:
Stress can be a killer. We all know that, but it's not just your health that can be affected; it can also cause fatal damage to your relationship.
The different ways men and women cope with stress, and how they should go about supporting each other through it, has provided fresh fodder for best-selling books by Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus author John Gray.
In his latest book, When Mars and Venus Collide (HarperCollins, $29.95), Gray writes that it's not our relationships that have changed, but our lives, and dramatically.
In the past 50 years, life has become more complicated and consequently more stressful. Longer working hours, gruelling commutes, and the cost of housing and food have risen, along with debt levels. Add all that to the responsibilities of childcare in two-career families and you have the potential for an unlimited amount of stress.
"Stress changes the dynamics in relationships," says Gray, down the phone from the US. "When I first wrote Men are from Mars 16 years ago there weren't as many women in the workplace as successful or making as much money. There's now a whole shifting orbit of women becoming more like men."
These changing gender roles have seen us stretched to the limit, he says, with little energy for our personal lives. Whether single or in relationships, we are often too busy or too tired to sustain feelings of attraction, motivation and affection. Every day stress drains our energy and patience, and leaves us feeling too exhausted or overwhelmed to enjoy and support each other.
When it comes down to it, the current "relationship crisis" is largely about hormones.
"Deadlines, fast pace, competition and urgency all creates more testosterone in women, which is a good thing for men as it allows them more energy and lowers their stress levels, but it depletes energy in women."
Two other hormones are also playing an increasing role in the lives of working women - cortisol and oxytocin.
"Cortisol is the stress hormone and when these levels are normal you have twice as much energy. Oxytocin is what I call the 'friendship' hormone, which is stimulated by things like romance and cultural activities. The relationship world is major stimulator of oxytocin, which men have, but rarely run out of," says Gray. "A woman should come home and look forward to the love and support she has there, but by the end of the day, her stress levels have doubled. She's run out of oxytocin and her never-ending to-do list means she is running on empty. When she feels stressed she will prioritise the needs of others and keep on going, which is the opposite to a man.
"When a man is strung out, he'll relax and watch television or find something fun to do. Unlike a woman he's able to zone out and focus on one thing; it's all about him prioritising his needs."
Gray says in our grandparents' or parents' era, the woman's role was to bring up the kids and with that came a support system of other mums. "Today everyone is so spread and there's a lot more to worry about. You might want your kids to play outside but it's not safe, so you want them to stay home but that's not safe either as they might get addicted to video games."
But the expectations of men's roles in the family have change too. "The skills our fathers had just don't work today, it's not enough. In those days it was work hard, come home, don't drink too much and you were a good husband," says Gray. But today, men are expected to help run the household and participate in the children's schedules, so a man's sense of accomplishment can no longer come from just being the financial provider. He returns home from work to his next job. That's stressful for him.
"That's why there's a lot of talk about men not willing to commit. Men aren't as interested in getting married because they don't feel they can make a woman happy. Their experience with women is not as satisfying as they want it to be."
In his new book, Gray points out the benefits of being married. "When men are aware of the rewards of marriage and feel they can be successful, it changes their whole approach. The book has practical things to do but the big thing is the change to a more understanding and positive perspective."
So what does it take to have that perfect relationship in our stressed-out world? Gray says rather than aiming for perfection a couple should simply shoot for improving their relationship in a world of imperfections.
- Detours, HoS