News reports say the security fences surrounding the Olympic village in Athens are so tight, so impenetrable, the authorities have inadvertently trapped packs of stray dogs inside. There is no escape for the poor beasts — and I know the feeling.
As the Games' monolith rolls around every four years, with the accompanying monopoly of the airwaves, sports-indifferent freaks like myself feel cut off, viewing wise.
Here, as always, TV One will feature Games coverage every day and every night until the end of August, and if you're not interested, too bad.
There are several ways for TV-addicted, non-sporty nerds to try to cope. Read a book at nights — train the hand to turn pages instead of clutching the remote. Or, go digital and get the closest you'll ever come to "doing sport" — surfing the channels. (We nerds don't subscribe to the sports channels, of course.)
There are a few treasures to be found on the digital networks: the Living Channel's cooking shows, with the mad Emeril, a young looking Rick Stein and his Seafood Odyssey, Giorgio's sexy Pure Italian.
E! can be addictive but it's dumb and repetitive. The cat is fascinated by Animal Planet's Amazing Animal Videos but I'm not, nor am I the least bit interested in UKTV's endless re-runs of English soaps.
Those are all old dramas — but close inspection reveals there will be fresh, real human dramas unfolding every night on One. To contradict my earlier stance, and after perusing the alternative options, I've decided the best way to get through the Olympics is to get stuck in and watch the Games with enthusiasm and good grace.
You have to admire (I suppose) people who have dedicated a good chunk of their lives to their chosen sports, whether it be shot put, fencing or javelin.
On reflection, the idea that sport might involve throwing something really violently appeals.
The Olympics schedule includes quite a few violent events: archery, boxing, judo, shooting, taekwondo, wrestling — "Greco-Roman style", or freestyle men's and women's. Hmm. Sounds a bit camp.
And then there's the drama surrounding the events — like the dopers. If someone runs really, really fast in the athletics events, be they American, Chinese or from Eastern Europe, does that mean they're supernaturally fit, highly motivated or criminals?
And there are bound to be some laughs to be had from the gymnastics, where some poor chumps always land on their asses or ruin their child-generating equipment with a poorly judged leap on the bar.
Those little prancy-dances to musical cliches, like Bolero, are fabulously stupid, and it's fun watching the judges waving their 1-10 cards.
There are more riches to be had (oh, why didn't I get into this years ago?). Synchronised swimming is hilariously Hollywood old school, and weightlifting tragic in a Pavarotti kind of way. And those skintight uniforms the runners wear ... whew!
No one seems too optimistic about the New Zealand athletes at Athens — at least the Aussies aren't betting on them to go gold — but it gives TVNZ a top excuse to send a huge contingent to Greece and, who knows, they might get news stories out of them as well.
Because let's face it, the biggest fear is security; hence the fencing in of the athletes — and those dogs. Animal rights activists fear the mutts will be poisoned before the Games start but I hope not. Forget performance-enhancing drugs. There's nothing like a pack of strays nipping at your heels to make a marathon runner really rev up the motor.
<i>Linda Herrick:</i> Olympics ruin TV-viewing for the sports-phobic
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