Wyn Drabble: You heard it on the gripevine

Do you  know what really hacks me off because it wastes my time and forces me into an activity I do not want to take part in? Besides contributing some of my taxes to the Mana Party, that is.
What really hacks me off is clicking on an online news link to watch a video clip and having to sit through a commercial first. I'm over the man checking the trajectory of his cannon. I'm over New Zealand's Next Top Model.
I clicked on the link to see a news item, for crying out loud!
I'm afraid thinking about this has opened up a can of worms: now I'm thinking about all the irritating things around us so I might as well make a list. (Because this runs the risk of sounding totally negative, let me point out first that there are plenty of things I like too: fluffy clouds, daffodils and puppies, for example.)
Here then are my current top 20 irritants, my gripevine, if you like:
1. Hone Harawira.
2. Telemarketers. I don't want to be interrupted by these faceless salespeople, especially when I have just put down the dinner ingredients, washed my hands then dried them, turned off the hotplate, reset the oven timer and neglected the baked pudding in the oven just to answer the phone. Imagine the effect if Hone Harawira became a telemarketer!
3. Hone Harawira.
4. I'm sorry but there is no number 4.
5. Auto-answer phone systems. These have surely become one of the leading turn-offs for customers: "Your call is important to us," "Your call has been placed in a priority queue," "Estimated wait time approximately nine minutes." One of my "favourites" is this:
Recording: I can understand certain words and phrases. Please tell me what it is you are calling about?
Me: The increasing rate of botulism in a declining population of non-urban New Guinea highlanders.
Recording: I didn't quite catch that. Let's try this another way.
Me: Yes, let's.
6. Hone Harawira.
7. Young supermarket checkout operators who have been "trained" to say things they don't mean.
Checkout Operator: How's your day been so far?
Me: But it's only 7.30am!
Checkout Operator: Okay then, we'll try this one. Have you got any big plans for the weekend?
Me: Well, funny you should ask because just before I came here I was on the phone to Aunty Norma and she's been having a bit of trouble lately, what with Jack popping off unexpectedly and the cat being sick and the back porch needing repairs, so it stands to reason that ...
Checkout operator: Do you have Fly Buys?
8. Hone Harawira.
9. Watching the TV weather to hear your local forecast but somehow switching off mentally and only coming back to consciousness after your region has been covered.
10. Hone Harawira.
11. Two-litre milk containers. First, you must grapple with the safety seal. Second, you have to make the first pour of milk in an elegant no-mess, no-drip manner. It's impossible.
12. Hone Harawira.
13. Hard-moulded plastic bubble packs. Not only are they unnecessarily wasteful, they are so often impossible to remove. Gaining access to the purchased product can be quite an ordeal. Important note: I am not talking about bubble wrap here. That is fun.
14. Hone Harawira.
15. Food cans with ring-pull openers - the ones where the ring-pull breaks off just as you apply your strength, having opened the can just enough to spurt a little geyser of sardine juice over your shirt or your frock or whatever it is you wear when opening ring-pull cans.
16. Hone Harawira.
17. TV programmes about grossly fat people. I find it hard to believe there are people who watch this blubber-fest. The same goes for Cupcake Wars. Puh-lease! Going into battle over cupcakes!
18. Hone Harawira.
19. Plonkers who get up in front of everyone and show off their "moves" at live music shows. Invariably they are people who cannot dance and who lack any form of rhythm, missing each beat with monotonous regularity.
20. Hone Harawira.
Please feel free to share your "favourites" with me.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.