Wyn Drabble: When no news is good news

I am as thrilled as anyone about the record-breaking low road toll over Queen's Birthday weekend but it certainly illustrated an unfortunate characteristic of news.
News reports thrive on the bad stuff. Positive news like that creates neither an appealing headline nor an engaging story:
Nobody Killed
Over the holiday weekend, nobody was killed on New Zealand roads. Chief of Traffic Police, Mr Road Toll Radar, confirmed today that the figure was zero. When asked for more details, he reaffirmed, "Zero. No deaths. Zilch." Pressed further, he added, "And I'd like to take this opportunity to say hi to my wife, my two girls and the four grandchildren."
We interrupt this column to bring you the latest Wyn News.
In Christchurch overnight there were no aftershocks. At around 8pm, to cite just one example, the Richter Scale recorded a reading of zero. As it turned out, this continued to be the pattern for the remainder of the evening. Suburban supermarkets reported that no stock had fallen from shelves though a packet of cornflakes was damaged in one outlet but that was attributed to poor handling. An employee is being questioned. There were no reports of liquefaction, which was "to be expected in the circumstances" according to Christchurch mayor, Bob Parker.
In Auckland yesterday there were no tornadoes. Weather conditions were calm so, according to meteorology expert, Jim Picky, there was not even a remote possibility of tornadoes. "This, however, is no excuse for complacency," he warned, "though there should be time for an early sidewalk latte in the eastern beach suburbs."
In a Wyn News exclusive yesterday, Hone Harawira made no comment on anything. Despite a constant barrage of probing questions his lips were sealed. On the subject of his new political party, Mr Harawira remained tight-lipped. Here are his exact words: "". We will bring you further details as they come to hand.
No home invasions were reported across the nation yesterday. One Hastings woman, Mrs H Invasion, said she waited all day and into the evening but nothing happened. "I did a spot of weeding around the roses in the late afternoon and then I watched Coronation Street without being interrupted. After that, I made myself a cup of tea and went to bed but I kept my loaded handbag beside me as a precaution. Better to be safe than sorry is what I always say." Police are currently not bothering to monitor the situation. "It's just not worth it," said a ploddery spokesman, "but I'd like to take this opportunity to say hi to my family."
In a surprise election development, no polls were taken today. Prime Minister John Key said this came as a surprise to him but he was prepared to "go with the flow, going forward." Labour leader, Mr Goff, on the other hand, was not at all surprised. In an exclusive comment to Wyn News, he said, "These things happen." Without poll results it is anyone's guess who is in the lead at the moment.
The latest communications from Germany show that there have been no reports of any breakouts of diseases or viruses. Despite exhaustive tests being conducted on cucumbers, bean sprouts, savoy cabbages, potatoes, salad greens, tomatoes, onions, bratwurst sausages and Volkswagens, no traces of anything untoward were found. "Vee vill chust haff to vait and see," said government spokesman, Herr E Coli, between mouthfuls.
In the Canadian capital, Ottawa, yesterday, shortly before midday, nothing happened.
*To sport now and in the last 24 hours there have been no sex scandals involving major sports stars. Asked about this, Australian legend, Shane Warne commented, "Things can change." Also worth noting is that no tantrums have occurred on the courts at any major tennis tournaments and in Australian rugby league there were no onfield fisticuffs in any of yesterday's matches. The final score in all matches was nil-all.
And finally, tomorrow's weather. We're awfully sorry but it seems there will be no weather tomorrow.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.