Wyn Drabble: There must be a sporting way to get to Paris

Fireworks illuminate the National Stadium during the closing ceremony of the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. Next stop Paris and Wyn Drabble really wants to get there. AP / Photo

Our household was probably not too dissimilar to many others around the country during the Tokyo Olympics. At first, based on Covid, cost and crowdlessness, our thoughts were negative:

"This shouldn't go ahead!"

"This is sheer stupidity!"

Then slowly, almost imperceptibly, things started to change. We were slowly lured into the world of first-class sportspeople and their extraordinary skills.

We watched events from the safety of the couch but I slowly developed an active desire to be more involved, though, as I will reveal later, I had an ulterior motive.

Watching those skills firmed my resolve to … well … become an Olympian. All I needed to do was choose a sport and train hard for the next few years.

Wyn Drabble

Diving was out. I just don't look my best in Speedos. Besides, the three-metre board is just a little too high for me though I could possibly manage it if I didn't look down.

Running was out because I do get puffed.

The new Spiderman thingie appealed though the arthritis in the hands might hinder my gripping ability. Besides which, it involved heights again.

I considered trampolining because I have done it in my childhood but, yet again, they get far too high.

I can ride a bike but I'm afraid my bike currently has a puncture. And they would need to accept my wearing rugby shorts as I don't do lycra.

As a teen I used to skateboard too but from what I saw on TV that has become a tad more technical. In my day we just did what was technically known as "going down a hill".

What I'm really looking for is something that's tailor-made for a septuagenarian, something that requires minimal fitness and minimal agility, something that is arthritis-friendly.

So gymnastics is clearly out. Some of the things they do on those parallel bars should not even be allowed.

I've just watched the marathon and that's definitely out too. Oh, don't go thinking I can't cover that distance. I do it regularly. The big difference, though, is that I do it in my motor car.

I believe I could actually run as fast as they do but only down to the gate and back.

So, it's tough. I might even need to encourage the Olympics officials to include a new sport, one that I could manage. Here I'm thinking petanque.

Can you imagine me in the petanque pit wearing my black rugby shorts and a silver fern-embossed tee-shirt (XXL) throwing a boule for my country? See, I've already started mastering the jargon.

Another possibility is that I could invent a completely new event, one that celebrates and rigorously tests factors such as lethargy, beer drinking and having a nice lie-down.

The late great John Clarke managed to invent Farnarkeling and, while I don't claim to match his intellect, I think I could come up with something.

For those too young to remember, the opposing teams had to arkel while preventing the other team from arkeling. It is done by using a flukem to propel a gonad through the posts located randomly around the grommet but cannot be done from any position adjacent to the phlange (or leiderkrantz).

Just talking about it puts a lump in my throat so I need to start the process right away.

Back near the beginning of this piece I mentioned an ulterior motive. You see, it's not the glory of stepping up onto the dais, draping a medal around my neck and getting on the telly that I care about.

No, my reason is simply that I love the city of Paris and this would be a good way of getting back there with all expenses paid.

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker