Wyn Drabble: Sometimes surnames just don't work

The commentators' usual method of simply referring to the surname does not work with the Barrett brothers, from left, Jordie, Scott and Beauden. Photo / NZME

OPINION

Someone new to watching rugby could easily become confused with three Barretts (Beauden, Jordie, Scott) and two Ioanes (Akira, Rieko) on the field at the same time.

The commentators' usual method of simply referring to the surname does not work in these situations; they must use the more time-consuming polysyllabic method.

And the recent game in Cardiff got me to thinking about Welsh difficulties as well. I feel that Wales could probably field a team with only four surnames. Let's choose Evans, Jenkins, Jones, Williams.

First names to the rescue you might be thinking but, wait, there might be only four of those as well: Dai, Dylan, Gareth and Rhys.

So the Welsh fifteen currently on the field might look like this: Dai Evans, Dylan Evans, Gareth Evans, Rhys Evans, Dai Jenkins, Dylan Jenkins, Gareth Jenkins, Rhys Jenkins, Dai Jones, Dylan Jones, Gareth Jones, Rhys Jones, Dai Williams, Dylan Williams, Gareth Williams.

You might think I'm being outrageous and preposterous here but may I remind you that there exists scientific conjecture involving monkeys, typewriters, Shakespeare and probability. With an infinite supply of time, a monkey randomly tapping the keys of a typewriter could eventually come up with "Hamlet".

Or, given even more time, the complete works of Shakespeare (extra charge for the leather-bound edition).

So, I'm sticking with preposterous. Wales are now about to play Ireland and, uh oh, only four surnames again: Murphy, Kelly, Ryan, O'Sullivan. And, uh oh, only four first names: Conor, Declan, Finn and Paddy.

And because it's a triangular tournament, Scotland will be taking the field as well. Yes, please, suspend your disbelief again. We've got Smith, Wilson, Robertson and Stewart and their first names are – you've guessed that there are only four – Jock, Noah, Leo and Finlay.

If you think I've pushed all that to or even beyond the limit, you'll be pleased to know that it's half-time now, time to swap ends and change tack slightly.

We'll stay with commentators but, for the second half, I'd like to share with you some of the sportspeople's names that commentators have had to contend with. They are real. Some, I'm afraid, are too close to the bone to publish in a family newspaper. You might even think the following are too.

Let's start with a Russian figure skater who is both a two-time world champion and a two-time Olympic medallist. Her name is Irina Slutskaya.

Then there's the now-deceased American race car driver whose first name is Dick. I realise that's not really unusual but it is when you pair it with the surname Trickle.

Sticking with Dick for a tick, a former American ice hockey player was called Dick Paradise, Dick Felt was a former defensive back for the Boston Patriots and a Johnny Dickshot played Major League Baseball.

A former French rugby international was called Jean Condom and a former English football striker who caused problems for some commentators was Dean Windass.

You've probably heard the next one thanks to The Chase host Bradley Walsh. He completely lost it on air – and for a considerable time – when one of the multiple-choice options to answer a question was the name of German alpine skier Fanny Chmelar.

And staggering in all the way from the Seychelles comes long-distance runner Gaylord Silly.

I'm afraid space has not permitted me to mention Misty Hyman, Andre Muff, Ralf Minge, DaWanna Bonner, Destinee Hooker or Danny Shittu. Perhaps another time.

I hope you haven't eaten into your day by checking up that all of the aforementioned are indeed real. Of course they are. Remember that even a monkey, given a keyboard and lashings of time, could come up with any of those.

Eventually.