It must be only a few years until your fridge will go out and do the shopping for you, reckons Wyn Drabble. Photo / NZME
It must be only a few years until your fridge will go out and do the shopping for you, reckons Wyn Drabble. Photo / NZME
OPINION
I’m sure you will have one too; an inanimate piece of machinery that tells us stuff. Our fridge, for example, tells us when we’ve left the door slightly ajar. But it can’t say the word “ajar” so it just beeps.
The crazy thing is that I will often speakback. Yes, I admit in this public forum that I sometimes have conversations with inanimate assemblages of metal.
Fridge: Beeeep.
Me: Yes, okay, I’ll be there in a minute. Can’t you see I’m doing something else at the moment?
Chances are that, if it can’t say “ajar”, it probably does not comprehend “minute” or “moment”.
The washing machine not only speaks, it plays little tunes. Different tunes indicate different things such as uneven load, spin cycle starting, you’ve forgotten to add fabric softener, evidence of coins in trouser pockets, missing-sock alert, the process is now finished.
Wyn Drabble admits he talks to his fridge when it beeps at him for leaving the door open too long. Photo / 123rf
The other day Madam Dog’s car started speaking to me (she has her own separate car because she is a major shedder of fur and I don’t want my car’s interior fur lined). It was some serious beeping, but I could not work out what it was warning me.
Was it telling me that the fur lining had reached critical levels or was it advising me of a door left slightly ajar? I knew it wasn’t familiar with the word “ajar” either so I didn’t ask it, I just searched for the issue myself.
And I found it. Because I was double-tasking (taking Madam Dog out as well as buying vegetables for dinner), I had left my purchase on the front passenger seat and the beep was indicating that my tubers and greens needed to be wearing a seatbelt.
It would have made it much easier for me if the technology had enabled it to outline the problem in robot-speak: “The combined weight of that bag of potatoes and that very large head of broccoli is 5.5 kilos. To my digital pea-brain, that could be a small child so please fasten the seatbelt.”
Me: Would it be okay if I just shifted my purchases to the floor?
Car: Yes, that would solve the problem. And you might like to check your fuel level.
Because the world of technology is moving too fast, you can now buy appliances that talk to one another. Yes, with the right app you can talk to your fridge, which can offer recipes then scan the contents of the fridge to see that you have all the necessary ingredients. It can even check the best-before dates.
Then — get this — it can talk to the oven with information for the next step. I’m presuming all you have to do is drive home (remembering to take the potatoes off the front seat) and the bulk of the work will be done for you.
It must be only a few years until your fridge will actually go out and do the shopping for you. Checkout operators will have to say, “have a nice day,” to appliances.
Well. I’m simply not ready for that. Next thing you know, people will be giving their appliances names. I won’t be part of that, though I will admit I’m considering naming the microwave Gavin.
Another concern is that I’m sure these modern appliances even talk to one another behind your back.
Fridge: Did you see what she was wearing this morning?
Oven: Yes, I can see everything from down here.
Microwave: Shhh! Here she comes.
And don’t get me started on talking vacuum cleaners. They suck!
– Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.
