Wyn Drabble: promise to keep my promises

I can promise stuff too so I'm going to do it right here and now. I'm not actually registered as a political party yet I feel sure that, after reading my promises, the demand for my party will be too much for the public to ignore.

Let's start with a suitable name: The We Make Heaps of Promises Party. Yes, I like that. It's what we'll be about. (I say "we" because "going forward" there will be more than just me.)

I believe it is important to start with fiscal policies but unfortunately I can't get on to that until I find out what "fiscal" means. My first election promise to you: I will look up the word "fiscal" in the dictionary. Then I will open my fiscal "envelope" to the scrutiny of the nation. (I'm beginning to enjoy this already.)

My second area of concern involves a missing penguin. It's inexcusable that we have lost track of Happy Feet. My promise to you: We will either find Happy Feet or get a new penguin. This nation, founded as it is on trust and The Treaty, needs a penguin.

I also vow to spruce up Ohakune's carrot. Such discolouring and general neglect is unacceptable for a root vegetable. Kiwis did not get where they are today without respecting root vegetables. I'll also be giving the Te Puke kiwifruit a good looking over.

Raising the retirement age seems to be quite a contentious issue at the moment so I had better have a policy on that. I promise to raise it even higher ... no, wait a minute ... I think I might lower it. No, I might postpone any decision on this until after I've done the fiscal stuff. My promise to you: I will come up with a retirement age policy. Probably.

Another major issue on the agenda for most New Zealanders these days is the outrageous price of the average shopping basket. I promise to make supermarket shopping baskets absolutely free. Not the trolleys, just the baskets. Note: Only in participating outlets. Ask the bill payer first.

I also plan to attack the growing problem of obesity. To put it bluntly, we are too fat. It's all very well boasting that we hold the Rugby World Cup, but a lot of Kiwis cannot see their own toes without having special mirrors fitted.

A policy that I believe will be a real vote winner is my one on the music played in shopping malls. I promise to have all Justin Bieber songs removed from mall playlists. This will help to "grow" the economy by attracting back the many customers who have avoided shopping for fear they might hear the teenager "singing" whilst they are trying to shop.

This really is one of the policies that will "set me apart" from the other parties, be a major "point of difference". As far as I know, none of the other parties - certainly not the major ones - has even bothered to devise a Bieber policy. Probably too busy working on their fiscal stuff!

In the field of education you can rest assured national standards will not escape a working over from me. I intend to broaden the scope of national standards by making them INTERnational standards.

This will mean that Kiwis will be able to engage confidently in international travel. They will feel safe in the knowledge that border control in, say, Portugal will be able to see, simply by glancing at a passport, the reading age of any New Zealand visitor.

This should boost ... um, well, um I'm not sure, really ... but I'm sure it will boost something.

Anyway, I might have to get back to you on this one.

So, there you have me! If I've left my run too late to make it onto the official voting papers, don't worry. Just use a crayon to add my party name to the bottom of the ballot paper and then put a big tick beside it.

A smiley face might be nice too. It's up to you to make the sensible choice.

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.