Wyn Drabble: It pays to advertise carefully

Advertising stretches the truth and we simply learn to ignore its claims. But sometimes the claims just go too far or are too exaggerated and I, for one, make a mental note to avoid that product, whatever the circumstances, whatever my need.

Let's get rid of a few peripheral examples first and then I will reveal the one that has set me off this time. There's the one where the son at his father's deathbed claims to have inherited the chainsaw. I haven't seen it for a while now, so it may have gone to join the father. Enough said.

I have owned one Volkswagen in my life (a handsome brown 1974 Beetle) but there may not be another: not after that terrible commercial in which the father of the bride bemoans the wedding expenses because, for the same money, he could have bought a new Volkswagen.

The ad for pre-paid funerals warrants a mention. How can that woman be so impressed at being allowed to spend the money on any kind of funeral she likes? It's HER money!

Any ad in which the presenter SHOUTS at us is for the chop too. Throw heavy objects at the TV or hit the mute button.

I know there's nothing offensive about it but the new Toyota commercial is a real let-down: I suppose it was always going to be difficult for them to match the famous "Bugger!" ad. I can't see "hokey pokey" becoming one of the nation's catchphrases.

But the one that has seriously inflamed me of late is the one for ... let's call them Joyous Sunset-Twilight Retirement Homes. Telling fibs about chocolate content, airbrushing photos of takeaway burgers, smearing petroleum jelly on the camera lens: all of these I have learned to live with and ignore.

I really do draw the line, however, at sweet syrupy advertising spin designed to seduce the elderly and infirm (or their offspring). "We love the life you bring to our villages." Ppppfffff! No apologies for being cynical here. Ppppfffff! To me, this commercial drips vomit, it drools saccharine.

Basing my script on this commercial, let me take a hypothetical look at a typical board meeting at JSTRH:

Board Member: We are not showing a good bottom line.

Director: You're far too old for those shorts anyway.

Board Member: No, I mean our profits are slipping and we risk losing money, going under, even.

Director: Oh, never mind about all that nonsense. We're not here to function as a viable business. We're here to celebrate the past lives of our vibrant customers, to cherish the past achievements of intelligent mums, dads, aunties, uncles, grandparents. We're here to flick through the sepia photograph albums of yore, to wallow in the gauze-lensed beauty of days gone by, to nurture nostalgia, to glorify grannydom, to venerate venerability, to ...

Board Member: Oh, DO shut up!

According to a spokesman for these homes, the idea of this commercial was to show "that every one of our residents has a life before coming to us and we don't forget it". I wonder whether the (albeit well-intentioned) staff give this even a passing thought as they go about their daily work of ... no, I'm not even going to list the details!

The bloke in charge of marketing said, "We wanted to flip the perception of age on its head. Our residents are a group of intelligent, perceptive people with an amazing life experience. We wanted to show that our villages are vibrant and rich because of the lives our residents bring to them."

Sorry, but I feel a Tui billboard coming on. How can these retirees suddenly become more intelligent and perceptive than your average population? How vibrant and rich are ... no, again I will refrain.

I'm sure you realise this is not an attack on well-meaning people who work in this endeavour, nor on such endeavours for which there is clearly a need: rather, it is an attack on what advertising does.

I know many say they'll never go into a retirement home, then circumstances dictate a change of plan. But I still say, if that happens to me, let it not be the one featured in this commercial.

"Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it." (Stephen Leacock)

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.