Wyn Drabble: Ironing out the golf in a fair way

There are some advantages to being off work on recovery time. For example, while you were doing heart surgery, teaching maths, building a house or attending to customers in a retail environment, I was at home watching Rory McIlroy's historic final round in the US Open. Live. I am willing to admit that I felt quite smug about it.
Yes, I watched his every shot from tee-off to final putt and my behaviour was exemplary - I was silent every time the Quiet signs went up.
I knew I was watching history. I too had been in full working mode for the Masters so had not been able to see his fourth-round fumbles at that tournament.
So let me just repeat that I felt quite smug. I'm deeply sorry that you, too, could not take part in this landmark event.
Let me also point out that I have had some experience whacking balls down fairways and I have even hit a ball in one. In fact, if I may boast for just a moment, I'd like to share with you that I have shot scores similar to those the Irishman managed in the US Open.
Unfortunately, though, my playing partners have always forced me to move on to the second hole.
There was, however, something which irritated me during the telecast (well, it irritates me during every US major I watch).
It had nothing to do with Rory McIlroy, it came from the gallery.
US golf galleries are mostly well behaved and seem to have stopped trying to emulate the players' clothing - the loud checked trousers and the like which are surely visible from orbiting spacecraft.
But why, oh why, must loud-mouthed buffoons shout out, in big, booming bison voices, after every putt, "Get in the hole"?
It is not only boorish, it is such a cliche. Couldn't they think of something new to say? I'll bet they have names such as Chuck E Weissenberger or Chad Buckminster III.
What's worse, they don't confine their cliche to the putts: I've even heard it shouted at tee shots. On par fives! Maybe one solution is the creative use of a nine iron - in the oral region.
McIlroy (teeing off). Whack!
Chuck E Weissenberger: GET IN THE HOLE!
Gopher (ducking): But not mine!
Me (extracting nine iron): Whack!
I've spent far more time on par fives than you're supposed to so I know for a fact that your tee shot is not meant to go into the hole. It's a rule I have steadfastly adhered to. In fact, I like that rule so much, I also adhere to it on par threes.
McIlroy had only one major lapse in the putting department which puts him right up there with me. I know all the tricks. I know, for example, how to crouch down, sight the putt line and "read the green". My green reading has even been copied by others. Well, one other.
When I lived in Palm Beach, Sydney, a group of four of us played a weekly (and very social) nine holes on the course at Avalon.
One of the four was a woman and during the first few games she watched me reading the greens. By week four she could resist it no longer and, for every putt, she would crouch and look across to the hole in a knowing manner but with a furrowed brow.
By week eight, it had all become too much for her. As she crouched and sighted, she asked, "Why do you do this?"
Anyway, I would like to congratulate McIlroy and I shall never forget watching his first major win. Perhaps one day I will see him, play in person but if you are in the gallery, watch your behaviour.
I feel it only fair to warn you that I will have my nine iron with me.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.