Wyn Drabble: Handy alphabetical guide to new jargon

Wyn Drabble describes social distancing as a sort of euphemism for being aloof. Photo / NZME

As a result of recent events our lexicon has certainly grown. Two years ago we would never have used the jargon that now falls trippingly from our tongues.

I have created a handy alphabetical guide to the new words and phrases. I accept that most people will already be familiar with these so my target audience is you people who have been on another planet for the past year or two.

First of all, may I welcome you home. You were lucky to make it through the border (see below).

Border. This used to mean points of entry into the country that were manned by customs officers and sniffer dogs. Now it means the imaginary line separating Auckland from the rest of the country, a line manned by officials asking Aucklanders who are towing boats to turn around and go home.

Bubble. The old meaning is a thin sphere of liquid enclosing air or another gas. The new version is metaphorical. The meaning is much the same, but the actual sphere of liquid is only imagined and not nearly as pretty as the original.

Cluster. A collective noun meaning various bubbles that are connected in some way (see genome sequencing).

Contactless delivery/pickup. Delivery or pickup of goods while wearing a mask and staying at least 2m apart. Eye contact and oral communication are permitted. So, one trusts, is throwing the goods.

Delta variant. A newer, stronger, peskier form of the Covid virus, named after the fourth letter of the Greek alphabet.

Essential workers. Workers who supply us with goods we need in order to survive eg toilet paper.

Genome sequencing. Whole genome sequencing, also known as full genome sequencing, is the process of determining the entirety, or nearly the entirety, of the DNA sequence of an organism's genome at a single time, though exactly what a genome is one shudders to think.

Incubation period. The time you have to stay in a hotel (see MIQ) while the virus incubates.

Jab. A colloquial expression that means a harpoon penetrating your flesh.

Level 4. Jargon for when everyone except essential workers and naughty people stays home.

Level 3. Level 4 with takeaways.

Level 2. Going to work permitted with care.

Level 1. Seen by most as a synonym for normal life.

Location of interest. A place an infected person has visited and which has now been deemed interesting. Not to be confused with a tourist attraction.

Lockdown. A metaphor used when an area closes down (see levels 1 to 4).

MIQ. An acronym for a hotel that delivers food to your door for 14 days (see incubation period).

Sanitise. A verb meaning to rub stuff on your hands.

Self-isolating. Becoming a recluse.

Social distancing. A sort of euphemism for being aloof. It means becoming an island, which, of course, is another metaphor (see self-isolating and bubble).

Spread your legs. We need to grow up and accept that Chris Hipkins meant "go for a walk". Those who have made a connection between this and "go early, go hard" are simply barking up the wrong tree and need to clean up their act and their innuendo.

Vaccine (informal - vax). Stuff they inject into you (see jab) to help your body fight against viral invasions (see Delta variant).

Wastewater testing. There are people who, under strict laboratory conditions, examine our effluent. It may not be their first job choice, but someone has to do it as it provides us with helpful data about any nasties (see Delta variant) in the community. Unfortunately, it cannot point the finger at the individuals who are responsible for these nasties.

Zygospores. Sorry! I just felt I needed to finish on a Z word.