The long wait for hip operations is no laughing matter for Wyn Drabble. Photo / NZME
The long wait for hip operations is no laughing matter for Wyn Drabble. Photo / NZME
OPINION Throughout history, literature has highlighted some of our foibles and failings. Some works have even effected change.
In 1852, for example, Uncle Tom's Cabin addressed the issues of slavery and human exploitation. It is credited by many with having altered people's perception of slavery.
Frankenstein (1818) reconfigured the views ofmany people on life and death, God and humans and machines.
In 1949, Nineteen Eighty-Four highlighted totalitarianism, technology and surveillance. It remains relevant and meaningful to this day. For example, just how much data has Spotify been gathering on me to know my music tastes so well?
Homer's The Iliad presented the futility of war and making playthings of humans. While it clearly has failed to effect change, it certainly has remained relevant.
With all that in mind, I have written a short play. Oh, I know my place; I am not about to rank my work up there with those masters, but my little satirical oeuvre still has something very relevant to say about our society. Let me know what you think.
Scene: A brightly lit GP's rooms. Enter a limping man.
Man: Hello. I have the relevant papers and X-rays here so I would like to be given a referral for a hip replacement please.
Receptionist: You mean, like, soon?
Man: Yes, please.
Receptionist: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Man: What's funny?
Receptionist: Sorry, I shouldn't have laughed but you obviously have no idea how long it takes to get a hip replacement. Please take a seat and read this helpful pamphlet, which will take you through the process in a clear point-by-point manner.
1. You will eventually be placed on a waiting list. This is an extremely long waiting list with thousands of names on it so please be patient. Your hip operation is important to us.
2. You will be given an approximate waiting time – usually about two years – but as this approaches we are sorry but the date will have to be put back a bit because of various factors. But please remember, your hip is important to us.
3. During your wait you may be called upon to attend a pain and inconvenience examination. This is to confirm that you are correctly placed in the waiting list because your hip is still important to us. You may be asked to illustrate your ability to walk, for example.
Wyn Drabble. Photo / Warren Buckland
4. Your GP can prescribe lots of painkillers to help you get through this difficult period.
5. Try not to think about it too much.
6. Discretion is advised.
7. Product may contain traces of nuts.
8. Remember, your hip operation is still important to us.
Man: Thanks. I've read the pamphlet but I have a question. If I wait out my time without complaining, do I get a chocolate fish at the end?
Receptionist: Well, it's never been done before, but I can put your name down on a waiting list.
Act 2.
Two years later. Enter same man, but now on a mobility scooter.
Man: Hello. My hip has deteriorated so I was hoping I might be able to be bumped up the list.
Receptionist: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Man: Well, could I at least have an examination?
Act 3.
A few hours later.
GP: Man, the news is not all good. I've done a thorough examination and many tests and I've come to the conclusion that it would now be best to keep the hip and replace the rest of you.
Man: And what is the waiting period for that?
GP: One to two years.
Man: And is there any chance of a chocolate fish?
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, a musician and public speaker.
