Downloading an app for a meal deal proved too much for a reader who reached out to Wyn Drabble for help.
Downloading an app for a meal deal proved too much for a reader who reached out to Wyn Drabble for help.
OPINION
When the opening sentence of a reader’s letter is, “I need your help”, you’ve got to sit up and take notice, even if you detect a hint of irony.
The letter outlined the background to the problem then asked where the writer had gone wrong.
Asked ME! I feltlike one of those Dear Dorothy-type columnists.
The writer – I shall call him Dave because it would be a shame not to use his correct name – finished his letter with, “… and please don’t tell us we’ve had too many birthdays”.
It must have been because I have in the past mocked the world of phone queues, customer service, loyalty clubs, passwords, pin numbers (and possibly even secret handshakes) that he saw me as his man.
He must have thought that I would easily spot where he had gone wrong and guide him to a richer, happier life, a life free of passwords, pins and apps.
Dave and his wife were newlyweds when a particular fast food chain first set up shop in Aotearoa. In those early days, they happily drove from Hawke’s Bay to Porirua to enjoy their chosen food (but I need to remind you here that petrol was not anywhere near the price it is today).
I know I need to do cost of living comparisons and all that sort of carry-on for any figures to be meaningful but I’m not going to do that. Suffice to say that between 1973 and 1982 (roughly in our ballpark), standard petrol rose from 10c a litre to 60c a litre.
Anyway, it was with nostalgia in their hearts that Dave and Mrs Dave recently saw a special offer available from a (now) local outlet of their favoured food. Why not, they thought! Ah, the memories!
Wyn Drabble
When Dave placed their order he was a tad excited. Until he was asked to scan his app. App? What app? This, you see, was a modern special offer and modern special offers require an app.
To download the app, Dave had to enter his name (easy!), his email (why?) and a new password containing at least one number, one upper case letter, one ancient hieroglyph, one secret symbol (but not a smiley face) and his pet cat’s maiden name.
(On the matter of giving contact details, I have been asked for my phone number when purchasing a three-pack of underwear from a local retailer! No, I said, perhaps a little too firmly.)
After Dave had downloaded the app, it failed to scan properly. He tried several times without success by which time he and Mrs Dave had lost their appetites and went home to have something like cheese and crackers instead.
A: You will earn 100 points for every dollar you spend.
Q: Wow! 100!
A: Yes.
Q: Do my points expire?
A: Nothing lasts forever … expire after 365 days. We’ll give you a heads-up 10 days before your points expire.
Q: Will there be fries with the heads-up?
As Mr and Mrs Dave’s fond food memories evaporated, they were reminded that nostalgia is not what it used to be. Meanwhile, the young ones around them were swiping their apps, answering texts, checking TikTok and Snapchat, downloading more apps, and Instagramming their WhatsApps.
But more importantly, they were eating. They had been issued with food.
Dave, you asked me to identify where you went wrong and not to tell you that you’ve had too many birthdays.
I think you’ll regret having chosen me to help you because here now is my answer to where you went wrong.
You’ve had too many birthdays.
Sorry.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.
