Wyn Drabble: Cup prices are out of this world

I have an idea to solve a crisis. The crisis was brought home to me when a family member needed accommodation in Wellington so phoned the hotel he regularly stays in, a service for which they normally charge him around $150.

But to his horror the price for a room "the same standard of room as usual" on the night he wanted was around $700. Why? Was there "free" champagne for all the family during that weekend? Was there "free" Ferrari rental thrown in? A handsome set of matching luggage? Live theatre?

None of the above. The date was simply during the Rugby World Cup.

I say this is outrageous. You can bleat to me all you like about "market forces" and the like. I'm more concerned with the impressions visitors take home from our country, impressions of excessive expense and unbridled greed.

So, I have a plan based on the fact that some of these visitors are going to be pretty wealthy anyway. I want them to boycott these hoteliers and moteliers who are exhibiting greed. It's okay, I have somewhere for them to stay, though I admit it's not quite as handy.

It's in space, 350km above our planet. A Russian company, Orbital Technologies, has announced that they will have their space hotel operational by 2016 but I'm sure if I slipped them a case of vodka and a free All Black jersey they would get their men to do some overtime, enabling them to bring the launch date forward to about Wednesday fortnight.

The trip to the hotel will take two days on board a Soyuz rocket and the fare for that is just short of $1 million (not a lot more than the train fare from Paekakariki to Wellington). The stay itself works out at about $200,000 for a five-day stay and that's very close to New Zealand Rugby World Cup hotel prices.

Yes, it's costly, I know "a million here and a million there soon adds up" but think how delicious it would be if that $700 room in Wellington sat idle. It would serve the owners right.

Besides, there's another saving if you choose this accommodation - you will not need to pay the exorbitant ticket prices for the games. Nor will you need to join interminable queues or be surrounded by boorish behaviour. You see, the hotel pod will be fitted with cameras and binoculars so guests can check out the incredible views on the home planet beneath them.

Slip another case of vodka to the captain (Major Tom?) and I'm sure he could be encouraged to stall proceedings for a couple of hours directly above the Cake Tin, Eden Park or the venue of your choice. I'm sure they already have parking meteors up there.

There'll be a fun element too. Because of the weightlessness factor, guests will have the option of sleeping horizontally or upright in their beds. Choose upright and you won't even have to get up in the morning.

The showers will be sealed to prevent water going where it shouldn't and toilets will use flowing air instead of water to move waste through the system. I'm willing to spare you the more intricate details.

And they promise you won't be served freeze-dried food because this hotel has a microwave! You'll be able to zap yourself a snack of minute noodles in space! Or the trained crew will be able to reheat meals sent up in the Soyuz, meals such as braised veal cheeks with wild mushrooms.

I don't know whether this space hotel has a bar but, if it does, I think it should be called the Mars Bar. Today's special: Black Russians, two for the price of one: $700.

You'll have to be in quick, though, because the hotel only holds seven guests at a time. Small numbers, I know, but that could amount to seven $700 hotel rooms sitting idle in Wellington.

That would be as satisfying as a Rugby World Cup victory for the All Blacks.

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, public speaker and musician.