Wyn Drabble: Computer rage a modern necessary evil

If having IT problems, batter the keyboard with a light tempura and deep-fry, writes Wyn Drabble. Photo / NZME

Modern technology drives us all crazy at times. It even causes us to shout abuse at inanimate objects. What did you do that for? I didn’t ask you to do that!

But those examples are very mild. In Colorado once, a man took his computer into an alley and shot it eight times with a 9mm pistol. He claimed to have “reached critical mass” and that the shooting made angels sing.

Then there was the restaurant owner who threw his laptop into the deep fryer. Perhaps he should have battered it first.

Despite the rage they can cause, it would now be hard to imagine life without computers. I often wonder, for example, how international airline bookings were ever made before the Internet.

Early New Zealand travel agent: Hello operator. Would you please put me through to the head office of Fly High Airlines in New York. I need to book two seats on one of their aeroplanes for two customers.

Telephonist: Trying that now for you, sir. Sorry, it is currently outside US business hours. Are you able to call back in about six hours?

Agent: No, I’m sorry we’ll be shut. Perhaps you could leave them a message that we are looking for two seats on the New York – San Francisco flight on …

Telephonist (interrupting): Sorry, sir, the message facility has not yet been invented.

These days you can book seats yourself in a trice and within seconds learn that changing the date of your travel will incur outrageous fees. You will also, for your convenience, receive constant unwanted emails.

The supermarket is the same. In the old days, the grocer, plucked a pencil from behind his ear and totted up all the figures on a square of wrapping paper. “That’ll be seven and ninepence thanks, Mrs Williams.”

Granted, it took time but it was pretty reliable and the human contact was warming.

Today, before your very eyes, the checkout screen will whizz through all your items and, amidst beeping sounds, display prices at a speed too fast for the human brain to digest. Then you can instantly pay wave and skip away.

On checking your receipt on arrival home you will find that you have been charged for two cabbages when you only bought one and that the advertised shelf price on the muesli was fictitious. You didn’t buy any denture cleaner but have been charged for two packets. Lucky for you, they were on special that day.

Your abuse is now directed at a till receipt. Only fair to warn that you can look pretty silly having a relationship with a scrap of paper.

A 2013 survey of US adults found that 36 per cent of those who reported experiencing computer issues also reported that they had screamed, yelled, cursed or physically assaulted their computers within the six months leading up to the survey. I’m sure not much will have changed in the 10 years since.

Maybe you feel you’re not up with the play so let me offer some examples you could use.

If, for example, your computer has the cheek to keep telling you that the password you have entered is incorrect, try one of these three options (kids, ask your parents first):

Hurl the device out the window making sure the window is open.

Batter the keyboard with a light tempura batter and deep-fry until light gold in colour.

Take the keyboard out into an alley and shoot it eight times (nine if you are really angry) with a 9mm pistol.

“The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do.” Ted Nelson