No December shop visit would be complete without Mariah Carey telling us what she wants us for Christmas, or Michael Bublé crooning softly through the half-broken shop speaker as we consider whether the credit card will stretch far enough to get Aunty Doris that boxof biscuits, or if it’s going to be a card and a $1 scratchie (though, if she wins, half of that $10,000 is yours, of course).
The exact same Christmas carols have almost been ringing out my entire life, and Snoopy must have flown over a million missions by now.
While that’s not a terrible thing (I’ll sing to Snoopy with the best of them), there are not a lot of carols that sing about the reality of the Kiwi Christmas.
Sleigh bells ring? I think not, unless we celebrate the festive season at Ruapehu’s crater lake - the sleighs better have a set of wheels we can pop down like the landing gear of a plane to hit the parched parks and melting tar of a Kiwi summer. Perhaps this could be a nice little Kiwi upgrade: “Tyres down, for the landing; money is gone, kids demanding; the sausages burnt, you’d think I would’ve learnt - Christmas in New Zealand has no snow.”
We all want a figgy pudding? While they are delicious, and Te Mata Figs have fabulous ones, “We all want a small siesta, tummies all full of Judy’s pasta, I had a wee bit of bubbly beverage, and I’ve peaked too soon” might be more befitting of a backyard lunch in the Kiwi sun.
It’s not really the sound of jingle bells which echoes across the backyards of Aotearoa at Christmastime; it’s more like: “Mother’s yells, mother’s yells, no-one’s helping out; oh, what fun it is to see our mother scream and shout, hey! Mother’s yells, mother’s yells, Dad’s off for a nap - ‘I did all the work for this and no-one gives a crap.”
And as for last Christmas? If it’s anything like our house, it’s: “Last Christmas, I gave you that mug, and I kinda knew, when you denied me a hug - that I might have got it slightly wrong.”
In all seriousness though, with summer sun, pōhutukawa in bloom, friends, family, barbecues, and maybe the odd misjudged present, I absolutely love a Kiwi Christmas. Even if I do have to hear Snoopy’s Christmas 500 times before it’s here!
