The Hits: Do nothing high on my to-do wedding list

The Hits DJ Megan Banks.

So apparently there's some kind of checklist in all of the beautifully expensive bridal magazines that you're meant to rip out, put on the fridge and start ticking things off from.

Some of them start as far back as two years out from the wedding. I guess No.1 in that segment is to find someone to marry. Then get engaged.

Then one year out start your hair and beauty regime etc etc. I've never been a list kind of gal, although I think I should probably start as this wedding planning malarkey is starting to stress me out.

Throw Covid in the mix and it's all on, or not on potentially as the case may be.

So for those anti-list makers like myself, have a geez at my very official wedding checklist. It might just work for you.

Two years out from the big day – act surprised when you get proposed to with the ring you found hidden in the glovebox six months earlier

One and three-quarter years out from the big day – ignore anyone and everyone who asks when you're getting married

One and a quarter years out from the big day – forget you even got engaged and stop wearing your placeholder engagement ring

One year out – have a fleeting thought about 'how old is too old to wear white'?

Ten months out – see a dress you like online, buy it even though it's three sizes too small and then make a rash decision and contact your favourite restaurant to see if they do weddings

Nine months out – do nothing.

Six months out – do nothing.

Five months out – sign up with a nutritionist to fit the dress, which is three sizes too small.

Four months out – do nothing.

Three months out – play around with a wedding website, but essentially still do nothing

Two months out – flick out a private message to guests about the loose plan. Tell them you'll confirm nearer to the time and then forget. Change your mind about the dress.

One month out – have a full-blown panic attack. Decide you don't want to get married. Decide you do in fact want to get married, you just don't want a wedding. Decide you do want a wedding, you just want a $50,000 wedding. Start crying.

There you go, Banksy's wedding checklist. Tick. The upside of this particular list is that it helps with weight loss, but not so great for the grey hair and wrinkles.
- Megan Banks