Roger Moroney: Ale, ale, gang's all here to rip off

A few years ago I was delighted to come across a group of Lions rugby supporters who had detoured to Napier for a bit of a look around. There were no games scheduled to be played here in the Bay but the group, made up of a few Scots, Irish, English and a sole Welshman, had decided to spend a couple of days on the eastern coast before heading for Rotorua, or was it Auckland?
Can't remember, but what I do remember is that this group of lads were excellent company, and one even wrote a few weeks later to thank me for sending on the article I wrote about them.
They hadn't expected that ... they thought I'd just forget about it, but that's not my style when it comes to visitors to these shores ... especially lads who clearly enjoy a pint.
Such as the two Barmy Army members I found sitting rather disconsolately in the gutter near a Hastings St bar about 9.30 at night. They'd been out celebrating after the final test between England and the Black Caps at McLean Park ... the one where young Tim Southee swatted fours and sixes in an insanely optimistic last-ditch effort to win what was by them an unwinnable game.
And oh how the travelling English supporters applauded and roared their approval with his every valiant strike. Dashed good sports (although they knew they weren't going to lose the match, as Chris Martin was at the other end of the wicket). So I stopped and I asked the lads (who were, shall we say, a tad under the old weather) if they needed a lift anywhere.
Oh yes, they did. Apparently their state was a little extreme for the driver of a taxi they had called, so were resigned to remaining bewildered, tanked and lost in this "nice little seaside place with Noddy-town buildings".
"Hop in," I said and they were delighted. I drove them to their Kennedy Rd motel and we had a colourful chat along the way. "If you're ever in Morecombe ..." one said, before scrawling his address out for me.
They even offered to give me a "few quid" for taking them back to their shambolic hotel room, but I declined.
"No worries ... enjoy your stay here, lads."
They said they had ... they loved the place.
When you have guests, you look after them. Simple. End of story. Well, not quite end of story ... I've still got to come up with another 400 words yet, so bear with me.
The world cup of commercialism and the occasional rugby match is set to descend on these gale-swept islands in about 60 days or so and I find myself harbouring fears that our reputation for being a land filled with people with open arms and promise of fair lodgings, food and drink is going to take a hammering.
We have already read and heard about some big-city accommodation spots hiking their nightly rates to the height of avarice, and now there is talk of some hostelries reducing the size of their glasses so that (in some cases) the price won't edge over the $10 mark.
Ten bucks ... for a large handle of ale?
Some are championing the idea of 400ml glasses rather than 500ml - an idea driven by two factors.
One is the upping of excise duty (again) and the other is the RWC2011 and its inevitable hiking of prices.
The latter, I suppose, is called "making hay while the sun shines" although it has a backfire attachment, for I suspect the majority of those who have to grin and bear the exploitative price tags and provide the hay will never come back here.
Going back to the ale prices, though ... frankly, it's absurd. The stuff is water, malt, hops and barley. Four readily sourced ingredients.
But then, of course, the revenue lads scoop the froth off by instilling excise taxes ... something they also heavily inflict on the wine industry. They should be targeting calorie-hammering soft drinks instead.
So, the visitor, and locals alike, will have little glasses of ale for which they will (if they chance out of an evening) pay $7 or $8.
Now, I happily concede I failed maths but I've just come back from the bottle store (I was doing research, you understand) and I just don't get it.
There's an easily palatable lager being rolled out in 600ml cans for $10.50 a six-pack. And a popular Aussie draught at $8.75 for a six-pack of 375ml bottles.
Which equates, for the lager, to 500ml of the stuff costing just $1.50. You could double that but it would still only be $3.
So, I'm going to start buying this stuff up and I'm going to open a bar called "A Fair Drop". I'll make a fortune ... and lots of new friends from faraway places..
Roger Moroney is an award-winning journalist for Hawke's Bay Today and observer of the slightly off-centre.