With the recent lockdown which has brought parents and their children in close contact it is opportune to consider the latest information about raising and educating boys.
Rose Bertram, a mother of four boys, has a passion for child development. She has a range of qualifications including a diploma in child aervices, and a bachelor of education in early childhood/primary school from Australia's Edith Cowan University.
She has experience as head teacher at a kindergarten, leading a preschool programme -Mainly Music Dannevirke, and is now the early childhood co-ordinator at Tararua REAP. Rose shares her knowledge and insight into raising boys.
Trying out the waves.
From the 1970s to 2000 there was a trend to treat boys and girls alike. However, parents and teachers found that treating them the same was not working at all, with statistics showing that boys are likely to be achieving below girls in numeracy and literacy.
Research from the past two decades has discovered that in fact, a boy's brain is wired differently, affected by testosterone at certain ages, and physically and emotionally develops in different ways from girls. Having knowledge of the way boys learn and thrive, can help parents and teachers to understand and cater for their learning needs.
Ages and stages
0-6 years: The early years are when boys are learning to love. Mothers often take the lead during this time to teach trust, warmth, fun and kindness (however, fathers can do this too). This is the age to build a close bond with your boy, so that he knows he has a special place in your heart. Building a strong attachment with your child will mean they will want to please you and will more likely follow your directions, which makes life easier as they get older.
Usually around the age of 4, boys get their first surge of testosterone. They get louder, can be seen lifting heaving things just to show how strong they are and often become the leader in a group.
At this age boys need to move to learn. Let your boy learn about how his body fits in this world, by having the opportunity to move as much as possible. Boys in particular need lots of opportunities to develop their upper body strength as this can help with their pencil grip. Activities such as bike riding, climbing a tree, and hanging from a monkey bar are great for developing shoulders, arms and hand muscles.
6-14 years: During this time boys will be interested in finding out what it means to be a boy. Fathers play a large role during this time, as sons will look towards them as they are figuring out what it means to be a male in this society. Fathers get involved - spend time with your son and teach him important values and life lessons such as "be responsible", "consider others", "fairness" and "right and wrong".
It is important for mothers to support the relationship with their fathers or male figure. But don't feel discouraged as your boys will still need you during this time. One thing to remember is the importance of hugging your boys, no matter how old they get. Children need physical touch. This helps to build trust and affection, and you are teaching them how to interact physically with others in a positive way. If you are a sole parent/you will be both roles.
A few things to remember
■ Boys love to feel valued and needed. This could simply be saying things like "Wow, I'm so glad I have you as my son!" "Thank goodness I have you to help me", "what would I do without you".
■ Pick the right time to talk. Often when kids get home from school, they need to physically and emotionally unload after spending a day interacting and trying to behave well. Give you child some space before asking them how their day has been.
■ When talking to boys, sit side-by-side. Boys often find it difficult when making eye contact and talking about big stuff. This is a really important tip to use as boys get older.
Between the age of 11-13, boys get another surge of testosterone. By the age of 13, with the rise in testosterone and rapid growth, a boy's brain will need to reorganise itself and they may become forgetful or disorganised for many months. Parents, this is when you will need to become their brain, helping them stay organised. If parents are not aware of this time, they may question their parenting or put extra pressure on their boy. By understanding this part of a boy's journey through puberty, they can relax and be supportive.
14 and onwards: Becoming a man: During this age is when the community is important as boys will look outward from the family for a mentor. Often they will gravitate to a male figure in their life such as an uncle, grandad, teacher, pastor or sports coach. What happens when there are no mentors available? They may look towards their peers for mentorship which can be dangerous as teenagers aren't often mentor quality. Puberty will continue through the teenage years and will settle down by mid-20s. His testosterone is still high, but his body is used to it, and he is not quite so reactive.
Parents, you will be stepping back during this age to allow your son to make life decisions. Having established a strong relationship with your child early on, you can now be his safe place and he will want to come to you for comfort and advice. Fathers, find something that is special for you to do together, hunting, fishing, playing rugby in the park. This will keep you connected and be your special time together, which can go on throughout your son's adulthood.
■ What the rules are? Children feel secure when they know what the boundaries are. Sitting down with the kids and deciding what family rules are is a great way to get kids on board. But don't go overboard. Usually a rule per child's age is enough.
■ Who is in charge? This is not talking about a parent being authoritative, which means giving orders, and expecting children to follow like soldiers. We are talking about the concept of following the leader. It is important that a boy knows who makes the call. And it is important they get a chance at being the leader too. This can be offering choices such as- what movie to watch, what game they want to play, what to eat for dinner.
■ What are the consequences? Are these fair? Boys need to know what will happen if they go over the boundary. Allowing your child to decide what their consequence will be is a wonderful way to avoid future power struggles as you can remind your son they chose that consequence.
