Ngahiwi Tomoana: I'm proud to be a Kiwi-Zealander

Ngahiwi Tomoana

Waitangi Day this year marks the 175th anniversary of the signing of Te Tiriti O Waitangi since 1840. It was signed by seven, but probably eight, Ngati Kahungunu rangatira in that year.

The Treaty itself was the first of its kind in the colonisation of indigenous peoples throughout the world, and a new tool for integration, oppression and assimilation of whole cultures, languages and peoples. And it nearly worked.

Judge Prendergrast, in the late 1800s, said that, "the first plank of public policy should see the eradication of the beastly communism of the Maori race", while Logan Campbell, the father of Auckland, said, "we must smooth the pillow of the dying Mori race".

What if these predictions came to be? Where would we be today in Ngati Kahungunu rohe? Let's explore it.

For a start, there would be no te reo Maori spoken, as it was banned very early, and all Maori place names will be replaced with English ones. Even the original English names will vanish, as there is no loyalty at all to tradition. Wairoa will be Littleburgh, with all of its people known as Littleburgers. Nuhaka will become Little New York, Mohaka to No-more-haka, Napier to Dalton Deco Marina, Hastings to Yule of Thrones, Waipawa to Poison Waters, and Waipukurau to Butler Boulevard.

And then Takapau would become Village of the Dammed, with Dannevirke retaining its frontier image as Danne-Vegas.

Hawke's Bay would be Fenton-Crest, while Ngati Kahungunu would become Naughty Casanova.

Furthermore, Ahuriri will be Angry Land, Pania the Sea Creature, Awatoto to Blood Current, Waitangi to Torrential Tears. Tutaekuri would become Dog-poo River, Ngaruroro to Glazebrooks Trickle, and Tukituki to Dusty Valley.

Te Mata Peak will be Chambers Roost, Waipuka to Lowrassic Park, Te Aute to Williamston.

There will be no marae, but rather, Cultural Memorials instead. Waipatu will be Drillville, Pakipaki will be Clap-clap Close, Waiohiki as River Running Uphill, Whakatu as Stand up or Shut up, Ruahapia as Capsized Christians, Haumoana to Windy Seas, Patangata to Pat and Gatter, Kairakau to Cracker, and Heretaunga as Hairy Tonguer.

There will be no more three-day tangi, but instead one-day remembrance offerings. Karanga, whaikorero, waiata, haka and hongi will be replaced by bugles, bagpipes and kazoos, while the performances will be line dancing, tap dancing and the Highland fling.

Hongi will be replaced by text messaging, while hangi will be known as underground barbecues.

There will be no disparities in health, no disparities in prison numbers, because we will all be one, great big bunch of harmonious, homogenous and happy Hawke's Bay-ites.

Maori will disappear as a name for us, and replaced with Original Ocean Peoples, or OOPs, while the name pakeha will revert to its original transliteration of Bugger-ya, the first expression Maori heard when the first settlers arrived, to their questions regarding trade and work, which were answered with a Bugger-ya.

Even whanau names wouldn't escape the expunging of the Maori language, with Te Hapuku Te Ika Nui o Te Moana, signatory to the Treaty, becoming The Mightiest Ocean Groper. Harawira Mahikai who was another signatory, would become Hadfield the Harvester, while yet another signatory, Hoani Waikato, will become Johnny Hamilton. Even my own name Ngahiwi Tomoana, will become Nasty Moaner, and so on and so on. Get the picture?

We have been very lucky in this country to have had stroppy and courageous people of both races, OOPs and Bugger-yas, I mean Maori and pakeha, fighting to preserve this country's heritage, original language and legacies of evolution. Long may it continue.

Today, I can hop in my Hyundai van, fill up with petrol from Iran, with rubber tyres from India, turn on the Sony stereo from Japan, listen to reggae from Jamaica, rub my hands on my Levi jeans from the US, and break into Tika Tonu haka, as the wind rushes through the hair, filling the soul. I'm still Kahungunu. I'm still Maori. I'm staunch Hawke's Bay, a passionate, Aotearoa Kiwi-Zealander, and fierce defender of rights to grow together to make a greater nationhood for all New Zealanders. The other option provoked above, has no place in our future.

Happy Waitangi Day tatau ma!

-Ngahiwi Tomoana is tumuaki/chairman, Ngati Kahungunu Iwi Incorporated

-Business and civic leaders, organisers, experts in their field and interest groups can contribute opinions. The views expressed here are the writer's personal opinion. and not the newspaper's. Email: editor@hbtoday.co.nz.