It’s not uncommon for the pain and threat of domestic violence to follow female migrants when they move to Aotearoa.
Cultural norms, new stresses and a lack of in-country support can often hamper dreams of a better life that’s free of abuse.
Mitchell Hageman talks to an inspiring Hawke’s Bay immigrant who shares her story of hope, bravery, and gratitude after receiving the care of Napier and Hastings Women’s Refuge.
WARNING: This article discusses domestic violence
A small EIT backpack was all that Sri Lankan migrant *Cushla had with her when she fled her abusive relationship.
Scared, alone, and uncertain about the future, the postgraduate student went to her Hawke’s Bay university campus with no idea what was in store for her or her children, who were still in kindy at the time.
“I had no other place to go,” she recalled.
“At that time, I did not mean to leave home; I just wanted to avoid the situation.”
Now, bravely sharing her story, she recalls how Napier and Hastings Women’s Refuge helped her through her darkest periods despite her initial hesitation.
“I don’t feel alone anymore.”
Like many migrants, Cushla came to NZ to seek a better life for herself and her young children.
The dream of a better life in 2019 soon became a nightmare as her now ex-husband put her through a vicious cycle of control and manipulation that had started back in her home country.
Despite constant abuse, she said she often felt bound by the cultural norms she had grown up with.
“We are Asian women. Once we get married, we stick to our relationship. Coming out of a marriage is a huge step for us.
“We tolerate things; that’s how men and women think, and that’s how our culture is.”
Her husband would often use their children and her dependency as a student against her.
“I didn’t want my kids to see these things and believe that is the way you treat a woman.”
When one incident became too much to bear, an advisor suggested she seek help at EIT, which would connect her with the right people.
However, accepting help from Women’s Refuge and other support agencies was initially difficult to comprehend. Cushla feared what would happen to her visa and her livelihood.
“I said, ‘no, I don’t want to make a big decision like that’. I just wanted to avoid the situation.
“At that time, I didn’t have a job, no money, and two kids with no house in another country with no support.”
But the moment she met the staff at Women’s Refuge, she felt safer.
”They didn’t force me or pressure me. They were waiting for me to make my own decision.”
Cushla recalled a staff member saying: “Tell her not to worry about anything, and we will look after her”.
She was given food vouchers, clothing and a safe space for her and her children at Women’s Refuge’s Hawke’s Bay safehouses.
“I wasn’t financially independent; I only worked part-time while studying, and my husband did not support me financially.
“Every week, [Women’s Refuge] gave me food vouchers and told me I had to save my money. They asked me to donate something If I really wanted, so I did, but the day I left, they gave me that money back.”
It wasn’t just physical items and support she received; small things like transport, help picking up her kids, and support with appointments were also achievable thanks to the support of dedicated staff.
“Even the children got to participate in a support programme, and weekly counselling was also funded.”
She calls staff member Meghan her “second mum” and says she couldn’t thank her and the other staff enough.
“Because of the number of things she did for me, I never felt alone in this country.”
Today, she is financially stable and renting a place of her own, continuing to share custody of her children.
She has also finished her degree, is a permanent resident, and credits the Women’s Refuge staff with helping her while she took her exams.
“The team really looked after me. They supported me with so many things.”
She sees Hawke’s Bay as an amazing place to raise a family and looks forward to the future.
“I love Hawke’s Bay, me and my kids feel at home here.”
Her advice to other migrant women was simple. Don’t be pressured by cultural normalities and if you and your family are in danger, seek help.
“We should not stick to these relationships when we know they aren’t good for us and our children. We need happy parents so our kids grow up healthier and happier.
“Always talk to people and get support, especially Women’s Refuge. They’re not only there for local people but immigrants as well.”
*Name has been changed.
Hawke’s Bay Today is partnering with Women’s Refuge in Hawke’s Bay to help it build a new public office to move the organisation out of the shadows and into the spotlight.
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Mitchell Hageman joined Hawke’s Bay Today in January 2023. From his Napier base, he writes regularly on social issues, arts and culture, and the community. He has a particular love for stories about ordinary people doing extraordinary things.
There have been four artists-in-residence at Rinitawa.