Linda Hall is having a few issues with furry intruders. Photo / Thinkstock
My sneakers stink - not because I've been working out madly, not because I stood in something smelly.
No - my sneakers stink because of (I really want to swear here because I'm mad as hell about this) a cat.
Usually I put my sneakers inside when I've been to the gym or out walking but they were wet, so I left them on the porch. I should have known better.
We have had trouble over the past month or so with cats spraying their disgusting-smelling urine all over our back porch.
Before I go any further, let me tell you I am not a cat hater. I love animals and have had cats and dogs around me all my life.
We have a cat now. Pixie was inherited from my daughter when she moved to Australia about six years ago. We love our little cat and, like all pets, she has her own little personality.
When Mr Neat sits down, you can't even count to 10 before she's on his lap curled up in a ball, purring. If he makes her get down, she stands with her back to him, tail in the air, looks over her shoulder and stalks off.
It's not our cat that is causing the problem. She is little but stands up for herself when neighbourhood cats come a-calling. I had to take her to the vet after a scrap that left her battered and bleeding but that was about three years ago.
Things had settled down, so I'm pretty sure a new cat has moved into the neighbourhood.
This disgusting spraying has happened several times in the past month or so, always when there is no one home.
Pixie sleeps inside, so there is never any trouble at night, although we do hear cats fighting - especially at this time of the year.
Hawke's Bay Today readers often send in texts about cats. It's a subject that gets people hot under the collar.
There have been debates on how many cats people should be allowed to have at once, if cats should be locked in at night, as is the law in Australia, and what right people have if neighbours' cats foul on their property.
It's impossible to confine cats inside your property unless you cage them when they are outside.
Pixie probably goes wandering when we are at work. I don't know.
I've never seen her leave our section but who knows what goes on when we aren't here?
I also know it's not just male cats that spray.
Females do it to mark their territory, so maybe it is Pixie doing it. However, the only reason she would have to spray is if other cats are coming on to the porch.
I'm not sure how to stop this. There are hundreds of tips on Google on how to deter cats.
My favourite is lion dung - might be a bit hard to get hold of in these parts. Other suggestions are ultrasound devices (sounds expensive) electric fences (I'd zap myself), citronella, Listerine or even shaking a cinnamon stick in the cat's face (I would if I could catch the little blighters).
Anyway, back to my sneakers. They cost me a lot of money and I'm loath to put them in the washing machine because I'm sure it will ruin them.
I've worn them out walking in the rain this past week and they still pong.
On Wednesday I went to a pump class at the gym. I sprayed perfume on my sneakers. Big mistake. Every time I bend over I got a whiff of perfume and cat pee mixed together.
Yuck! I was embarrassed and hoped like hell nobody else could smell it.
Linda Hall is assistant editor at Hawke's Bay Today.