Our instinct, when we see a loved one or someone we care about in pain is to do whatever we can to protect and take that pain away - blokes are 'fixers'.
If you're not sure about being at your baby's birth, discuss all your worries and work through any concerns about the labour and birth with your partner. But, if you're sure that you don't want to be there, let your partner know as soon as possible and together you can find another birth support person.
Make sure you talk about where you'll be during the birth and how you'll be involved afterwards.
Be part of the plan and know what to expect
Labour pain isn't a sign that something is wrong or a sign of harm. Instead, it's a sign that your baby is on its way and that the muscles of your partner's uterus are doing what they are supposed to be doing and working well.
It may help if you change how you think about this pain. With every contraction, think her body is doing what it's supposed to do and we're one step closer to meeting our baby.
Sitting in the hospital in the thick of labour is not the right time to be flipping through a pregnancy book, so finish your reading beforehand. And go to antenatal class with an open mind – you'll get solid information, an understanding of the labour process as well as a sense of how other partners are planning to get through the event.
Write a birth plan together, it's essential to get involved in planning how the birth may be right from the start. Writing a birth plan should be something that you and your partner sit down together and do.
Make sure you do this well before your baby's due date, take time to discuss expectations and options, and put together a birth plan or wish list. Later, you can take initiative with your partner's wishes in mind. But be prepared to change course – even the best-laid plans can go astray. Part of a partner's job is to discern what works and drop what doesn't, all while doing what's best for your partner.
Supporting her during labour
Have some techniques up your sleeve that is known to reduce the pain of labour. These include:
● Use your body weight to lean in with your hands on your partner's lower back when she's having a strong contraction - this is called counter-pressure and a lot of mums find this works well
● Massaging your partner's back, shoulders, legs, feet, or wherever she says helps
● Helping your partner to change position and keep upright. She could put her arms around your neck for physical support
● Helping her to breathe steadily and deeply through labour
Practise these techniques together well before your partner goes into labour. Whatever you've learned, keep an open mind once labour has begun. What eases pain in early labour may not work later on - just be prepared to change strategy if she suddenly seems not to like it. Reassurance and encouragement will help her (and you) through the tough moments.
Help her stay focused and relaxed
Suggest different coping techniques during labour when necessary, drawing on the methods you've both learned in an antenatal class. For example, suggest position changes or encourage her to find something – such as a breathing pattern, or a foot rub – to focus on during the contractions, and bring her back to it whenever she starts to think she won't make it.
If she's able to move around during labour, getting her out of the bed for a short walk across the room or even just to a chair nearby can also be useful.
Be an advocate
When your partner is in labour she's not always going to be in the best space to make hard decisions or assertive requests if required. As her partner, make sure you're ready to step in if the situation calls for it.
You may need to help her logically weigh her options about certain medical decisions, or ask that her LMC be woken from a nap, or that a mirror be available so that she can sneak a peek at what's happening.
Your doctor or LMC are all there to make sure your partner and baby do well during labour and birth. But you still have a big role when it comes to helping your partner get comfortable and communicating her wishes.
Be prepared for changes and strange noises
While you might think you're prepared for the birth and know how to soothe your partner, don't be surprised if on the day your partner may react differently from how you anticipated.
Be prepared, that she might make noises or act in a way that she hasn't before, which some birth partners say can be disconcerting or even quite scary. It's just her way of dealing with what she's going through. Don't be put off being comforting and present, as this is probably the time she needs you the most.
Even if you're shouted at, sworn at, ignored or have your arm squeezed to oblivion during the labour, rest assured your presence is appreciated.
There's no getting around the fact that some birth partners can be worried about what they're going to see 'down there'. You don't have to 'see' anything you don't want to, but keep an open mind.
I've met plenty of dads who were worried about what they might see, how they would cope, concerned with being squeamish or anxiety taking over. Just between you and me, most of these dad's surprised themselves, watched in amazement as a new life was brought into this world, didn't see anything they'd chosen not to see - some had even 'caught' their baby!
Ask questions
Medical professionals should, but don't always, explain what they're doing. Don't be shy about seeking out information, whether about medical procedures, a status update on how things are progressing, or ways you can help your partner get more comfortable – especially if she's not up to asking questions herself.
Your LMC and any other medical staff will be happy to answer any questions that you ask, especially if you're just trying to offer more support for the pregnant mom-to-be. Any silence is often not intentional, so don't be afraid to speak up. They're used to the questions.
Pack the bags
In case your baby decides they just can't wait to arrive, pack your hospital bag nice and early. Make sure you've got plenty of drinks and food to hand for the labour for both mum and you. This will help you both keep your energy levels up.
Many birth partners say they were surprised by how many snacks they needed. Labour can be long, so for both your sakes pack easy-to-do entertainment in your hospital bag in case of a long wait. Put in a comfy change of clothes for both of you as well and know what's in your partner's hospital bag so you can grab it if she asks.
When you need a break or you're finding it hard to cope with birth
If you need a break, time it between contractions (if you can) or wait until your LMC is there. This way you can get a breather or go to the toilet or make calls knowing your partner is in good hands.
It's also worth knowing that the sight of blood can make some men feel faint. If you begin to feel light-headed, sit down straight away – before you fall down. Put your head between your knees and take deep, slow breaths in and out. The light-headedness will soon pass.
As part of getting ready for these aspects of birth, you could think about how you'll stay calm during birth, and do some practice. You might use breathing exercises or some other method that you know works for you.
It's worth mentioning that although it can seem like a huge feat – which of course it is – the birth is only a very small part of having a baby. While a birth partner's help during labour is invaluable, it's just the beginning of your life with a new baby.
So, plan the birth with your partner, but remember to (excitedly) think about everything that's going to come in the future, too. Hopefully, by being part of the birth, you'll feel more connected to your baby from the outset.
Your partner is going to be looking to you for comfort, strength, and encouragement during the entire labour and delivery process. And though you may find it hard to watch her in pain, you'll likely discover that childbirth can be one of life's most powerful and rewarding moments.
■ Bellies to Babies Antenatal & Postnatal Classes, baby massage courses and baby and infant first aid courses, 2087 Pakowhai Rd, Hawke's Bay, 022 637 0624. https://www.hbantenatal-classes.co.nz/
Medical disclaimer: This page is for educational and informational purposes only and may not be construed as medical advice. The information is not intended to replace medical advice offered by physicians.
