Dementia leaves family grieving for what once was

Rosemarie and Ralph Turner - Ralph took care of his wife through the early stages of Alzheimer's.

When Rosemarie Turner was told she had Alzheimer's, it was too late for her to understand what it was.

Her daughter, Amanda Edwards, said Rosemarie had been living with it for a very long time but didn't know until about 14 months before she died in July this year.

Getting her father, Ralph, to understand and accept the reality of the disease was another thing.

"We had tried to gently explain what we suspected was happening to Mum for a long time," Edwards said.

"Yet he still held on to the mistaken belief that she would get better and looked after her at home as best he could."

One of Ralph's fears was that his wife would be taken away from him by "men with white coats".

Yet at the age of 82, it was obvious that he was finding it harder to cope.

Edwards said her father would ring her or her two brothers unsure what to do, or relating incidents where the Dannevirke couple would be walking around town, only for her to bend over and fall to the ground.

"Complete strangers would stop their cars and help Dad pick her up. Or she would make it back home, only to be unable to walk up the short few steps to get into the door."

Edwards studied an online course from Wicking University called Understanding Dementia.

The course, plus her background in Early Childhood Education, helped her learn to deal with her mother's changing personality and behaviour.

"I instinctively knew how to connect with Mum. Treating her with the utmost respect and love, responding gently to her child-like behaviour as if it were perfectly normal. I think this was so reassuring for her."

Edwards said this also meant she was able to spend precious moments with her mother.

"Sharing her moments of child-like joy, helping her bathe, taking her to her favourite cafe; witnessing the kindness of the people of Dannevirke when they met her in town."

There were moments that were difficult, Edwards said.

"I went through an intense period of grief for a while. The mum I once knew seemed lost forever and I felt like I had abandoned her, especially when she went to the dementia ward in Rahiri.

"I had to remind myself again and again that the mother I knew was still there; only one memory away from a big smile and a twinkle in her eye."

While many things slipped away, Rosemarie found a talent in singing, something which helped her when Ralph unexpectedly passed away from cancer in November 2020.

"On the day of his funeral we held a special service just for her."

Edwards said this was made possible thanks to Tracey at Tararua Funerals.

"We will be forever grateful to her.

"Mum held herself together with such dignity and courage; qualities that she never lost throughout this disease. She recited the Lord's Prayer from memory and sang Que Sera Sera, in such a beautiful voice, it brought tears to my eyes."

Rosemarie spent her final months at Star 1 at Palmerston North Hospital.

Edwards said her mum had the best care and regular visits not only from the family, but two dear friends from Dannevirke, Valma Bycroft and Moana Beveridge.

"Valma and Moana became part of our family; such was their love and hospitality toward us."

While Edwards said she grieved for what was lost, the dementia was a gift in a way, bringing the family together.

She said it gave her father a sense of purpose.

"My dad dug deep to find the compassion and patience he needed to help Mum and they were often seen in the town holding hands side by side."

Alzheimer's disease is a form of dementia, a progressive disease which affects the brain.

The most common dementia symptoms include changes in memory, thinking, behaviour, personality and emotions.

Alzheimer's New Zealand is planning a memory walk in Dannevirke on September 23, if Covid alert levels allow.

For more information on the walk: https://alzheimers.org.nz/manawatu/events/dannevirke-memory-walk-2021/?highlight=memory%20walk