John Key: No.
PT: A qualified no. I live alone and don't get out much so, no matter how much I drink, there's no one to annoy or to determine whether I've crossed the line into stupidity. (Even if my dog could speak, she'd never say a bad word about me: she's a Labrador.)
I must acknowledge that if the time frame was longer than a month, the answer would be a resounding yes. But then I'm a writer, not a prime minister, and getting twangered now and again is part of the job description.
Have you ever killed an animal bigger than an insect?
JK: No.
PT: Yes. As a child I killed a thrush that had a broken wing and was therefore dinner in waiting for a neighbourhood cat.
I saw it as a mercy killing but it's possible the bird would've rather been mauled to death than put out of its misery with a cricket stump. Being young and impetuous, I didn't pause to consider.
Have you ever pashed a man?
JK: No.
PT: I don't know. Years ago, and quite possibly somewhat twangered, I found myself in an underground bar in Berlin, a smoky, murky dive whose clientele included a number of attractive young Thai women, one of whom took a shine to me.
The following day, a companion on the bar crawl whose research was more thorough than mine suggested the Thai women were not all they seemed; that they were in fact transvestites.
I suspect he was right but who knows what stage of transformation my Thai had reached? So while I should probably answer in the affirmative, I didn't do so knowingly, which I think is the point of the question.
Was the Virgin Mary really a virgin?
JK: No.
PT: She was either a virgin or she wasn't the mother of Jesus. She can't have it both ways and be a real person, but then we are talking about myth rather than history.
Do you trim your downstairs?
JK: No.
PT: No. As far as the male of the species is concerned, surely only bodybuilders, porn stars and narcissists - there may be a bit of overlap - do that.
Have you ever done wees in the shower?
JK: Yes.
PT: Not since I was old enough to know better - i.e. 5.
Have you ever stolen anything?
JK: Yes.
PT: Yes. Again, we're going back to childhood. For no other reason than to experience the thrill of the forbidden, a friend and I went on a shoplifting spree in Newmarket.
Whether out of envy, malice or because he was a goody-two-shoes, a classmate - who grew up to become a QC - narked us out and we got into an immense amount of trouble.
Have you ever sent a dick pic?
JK: No.
PT: No. Again, it's not the sort of thing grown-ups who aren't porn stars or narcissists even think of doing.
Is Wendy Petrie sexy?
JK: Yes.
PT: No, but then I'm sure she'd say the same about me.